As I was on the Alewife train yesterday, I was listening to the computer intercom saying "Entering...South Station. Change here for the commuter rail." Suddenly, someone near the door was singing:
"Jingle Bells! Hitler smells!
Goering is a gay!
Eva Braun is a man
and all of them have AIDS!
"What the fuck did you say?" someone sitting down said.
"You heard me! Hitler smells!" the guy replied.
"You fuck...you're dead!" the man yelled, rising from his seat and lunging at him with a switchblade. At almost the last minute, his intended victim leapt out of the way, causing his assailant to crack through the window and fall into the opposite track where he landed on the third rail head first. As he fell onto the ground, his body was run over by a train going Southbound."
As the train doors opened at South Station, the guy bolted out with the rest of the crowd while the conductor shouted over the speakers, "Ladies and gentlemen, please spread out and use all the doors. Let's not bunch up in the middle two cars. If you can't fit into this train, please stand behind the yellow line. There's a train one minute behind of us. If you're leaving us here, look around yourselves now and gather up all your belongings. Let's make sure you're not leaving anything behind you, please!"
Suddenly, there was screaming from the Southbound platform as they yelled, "There's a man under the train!" Since the train was running express to JFK UMass, it continued without stopping. When it had departed the station, it showed the man with his body cut in half and blood all over the track. At that moment, the conductor shouted, "Ladies and gentlemen, please exit the car. There's been a man run over on the opposite track. We have to close the station down. All out, please. No passengers; this train's coming out of service."
Almost instantly, the train emptied out with people stampeding upon each other. A drunk was watching the spectacle and yelling "More booze!" Suddenly, scores of robots looking like the man who was killed came out of the corpse yelling, "You destroyed pure Nazism! You have a sin on your soul!" Most of them were run over by the crowd that was leaving the station.
Meanwhile, a guy was walking around Symphony Hall when he saw a throne on the stage. He sat down on it and thought for a while. Suddenly, the curtain opened and he saw hundreds of people sitting in the stands.
Almost instantly, a spotlight came on and covered him with blinding light. A timpani began to play and another spotlight came on, showing a man with a crown in his hands.
"Indispensable knowledge of all trains!" the man shouted. "I proudly crown thee, Mr. Charley H. Martin!" And as he put the crown on his head, a gallon of water came out of it and soaked him.
"I'm getting the fuck outta here!" the man shouted and bolted off the stage.
"No, wait, Charley!" the man shouted. "They love you! They want to know..."
But the man was gone, so the other man turned to the audience. "Well," he said, "that was Charley H. Martin. Indispensable knowledge of all trains. If you'd like more information, you can contact...."
"Yeah, and of jerkin' off, too!" someone in the audience shouted.
"What?" the compere said.
"He was jerking off!"
To be continued...(Yeah, right!)