Friday, March 26, 2010


New Year's Eve 1971.

"It's 12 Midnight on WBCN, Boston. And remember, if you're not staying over, the T closes in 1 half hour."
And with that, the d.j. on duty that night launched into the Royal Canadians' version of  "Auld Lang Syne." In the middle of it, however, the dj on duty pulled the needle off the record and shouted, "Pooh on you all! I'm holding the entire Guy Lumbago band hostage; there will be no New Year!"
"You dick!" the engineer in the studio was heard shouting on the air. "Put that Auld Lang Syne song back on!"
The dj collapsed on the turntable. "Somebody call an ambulance!" the engineer shouted.
At that, the radio went silent for a few minutes before going to a Rare Earth song.

30 minutes earlier, in the Big Apple, a terrorist called Achmed was walking through midtown Manhattan with a rocket launcher in hand.  He got a call on his walkie-talkie telling him not to launch an attack on Times Square. "Rather," his boss said, "hit the hotel on Park Avenue."

He didn't know what he was talking about until he was standing outside an appliance store with a TV blaring out, "This is Broadway!  The Great White Way!  Part of the world's most exciting city, New York!  And it's time once again for 'New Year's Eve With Guy Lombardo.'  With tonight's special guest stars, Miss Sherree Wallace.  Bobby Rydell!  The Bells!  With John Bartholomew Tucker in Times Square."

Achmed was agahst!  He wanted to blow up the Crossroads of the World tonight, but now he was being relegated to a hotel on Park Avenue!  What the fuck?!  He turned back to the TV again.

"And now, live from the world famous Waldorf Astoria Hotel on fashionable Park Avenue, where New York's High Society meets to celebrate New Year's Eve in the Grand Ballroom, it's the Sweetest Music This Side Of Heaven!  With all the Royal Canadians and Mr. New Year's Eve himself.  Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Lombardo!"

"I ain't blowing up that shithead Lumbago tonight!" Achmed said to himself as he watched Guy welcome the gang in the hotel and everyone watching on TV.  "In the United States," he said, "we're on the entire Columbia Broadcasting System.  In the Dominion of Canada, we're on the Canadian Broadcasting System, and in Mexico...our show is being seen tonight on Telesistiema Network.  Now let's get started with a song from 'No, No, Nanette.'"

By the time that they were on their first commercial break, Achmed was back at his home in Queens.  He didn't even bother to see the countdown; he just slipped into bed and plotted to blow up his boss the next time he saw him.

To be continued...


"Here's a litte song I wrote!
You don't want to
learn it note for note.
Don't worry!
Just fart!"

I was just getting off my train at Quincy Center when I saw a bunch of guys dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Pampers!" It struck me then that the financial firm I used to work for, Pelligrini Investments, 10 years ago, they asked all the men to dress up as Dan Cupid for Valentine's Day. The people at Pampers sent a good chunk of us guys a pair of their diapers and a "Be My Valentine" sash.
I guess it all started when our HR director at the time, Mrs. Clausen, came into the mail area where I worked and said, "The Company has set the theme for Valentine's Day. The men are coming in dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders."
This got me pretty upset and some of the guys started teasing me. I recoiled at the thought of going into work half naked on Valentine's Day. And sure enough, the following Wednesday, the company had sent a package with the pair of Pampers and the sash over. I was so disgusted I threw it into the trash and called in sick that day. I thought they were kidding, but when I saw that box, I found they were serious about it.
I was called into the office and the boss canned me as a result. Fortunately, I got a job two weeks later with the accounting firm I'm employed at today. Well, my rejecting this "theme for Valentine's Day" was well founded. The stock market lost 855 points that day, and the fact that Pelligrini Investments male employees were dressed as Dan Cupid caused the meltdown. The ladies, incidentally, were dressed in flowing Greek robes, portraying them as Greek Goddesses. I won't explain that part of the story...yet!

I didn't say a word to them as I passed them by. I scoffed what they were doing and walked out to the bus platform. As I got on the bus to the South Shore Plaza, a bunch of drunks got off at the back door. It was apparent they'd been drinking after work while waiting for their bus ride home. Now here they were throwing up all over the platform and making people recoil in horror.
The bus trip to the plaza was uneventful, to begin with....

To be continued.

Meanwhile, back on the satellite....