Sunday, November 20, 2011

UNDERGROUND! (Charlie's off the MTA!)

It's almost 1 a.m. in the morning.  As the wind blows outside on Boston Common, the rain has changed to snow and is becoming steadier and heavier. Heavy snow is now predicted for Boston with about 6 to 12 inches in the area. It started raining 3 hours ago, but now the winds have switched to the North and are increasing to 40 miles per hour.  I'm going into the T station at Park Street where I see a sign saying "Significant Cutbacks!"  The announcement continues with the news that all weekend commuter rail service will be ended next month, and that after March 1st., the T will only operate from 6 a.m. until 12 Midnight Monday through Fridays and 10 a.m. to 12 Midnight on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays.  (There will be no service on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day, as well as Easter Sunday.)
I'm pissed off!  The T's already $12 billion in debt and no one is making any money on the recent fare increases.  I feel like Charlie on the MTA thanks to those fare hikes...
"Look!  There's a corpse on the track!" I hear someone yelling.  I rush over to see that it's the bones of Charlie, the man who never got off the MTA because of not having the fare to get off the train.  Rumor says that he had just sneaked off the trolley here early today, only to get hit by another train going to Boston College.  So after 6 decades, Charlie's finally off the MTBA.

"Did he ever return?"  Nope.

Sucks, doesn't it?  On that tragic and faithful day 60 years ago, he'd handed in his dime at Kendall Square, but couldn't get off because of not having another nickel.  Poor Charlie.  He'd ridden for 6 decades on the T, and he is dead.

Meanwhile, as I get on the train, I feel troubled.  And I weep unashamedly, having seen what I've just described to you.

As I get to the Quincy Center Station, I wipe my tears and walk towards the exit.  I go inside the Nathan's Hot Dog store, which is now open all night during the week.  Inside, the TV is airing the CNN Election Night program.  I realize that it's Election Day here in the USA, and I went to cast my vote earlier today.  Anyway, I'm watching the results coming in from around the country.  And I see a chilling series of headlines coming up on the screen:
"POPULAR VOTE: 89,000,000 APIECE!"

Tbe last 215 bus to Ashmont left 2 hours ago, so I decide to get a taxi.  Thank goodness there's one coming up and no one's waiting.  Suddenly, I see a pair of legs appearing in a nearby trash can.  I shout to the cab driver, "Call the police!  There's a pair of legs in the trash can."  He calls 911 as he speeds off to take me home.

A few minutes later, the trash can is emptied, and what is found is a horrible sight.  There's a woman who's been all tied up for hours.  All tied up and a gag in her mouth.  And of course, there are third degree burns over 100% of her body.  She's quickly taken to the hospital for an autopsy.

The next morning, I learn that the charred body of Bettie Boop has been identified at Mass. General Hospital.  The details of her death are too gross to say at this time.  Anyway, that means the Electoral College must decide the outcome on January 2nd.  And once that's codified, it looks as if a runoff election will take place on January 8th.

Friday, September 30, 2011


"Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!" Yeah, the MBTA is the show that never ends. From a quarter past 5 in the morning until around 12:30 a.m. each night, the T's subways, buses, trolleys and other vehicles run through the city above and below ground. And when they close at night, they have to do all kinds of construction and maintenance work. Now the South/North link was finally beginning construction. This was a nearly 2 mile tunnel that would link the seperate Amtrak and Mass Bay Commuter Rail's northern and southern networks.together and would provide seamless rail transporation between Canada and Florida. The tunnel had to be built out in the harbor, because the space underneath Downtown Crossing was being used for the Silver Line tunnel.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


There were fights breaking out all over the Plymouth Waterfront as the Jerry Lewis Terethon was showing a memorial tribute to a young naval officer who'd died from Lou Gherig's Disease 2 weeks earlier. His wife was weeping as she related the gory details of his death and how it took a toll on her family. After the film ended, Jerry introduced the now widowed lady who thanked all of the viewers for their support.

The Legion Bud Band had been chased on the stage after the Neo-Nazi attack. Now, a group of ladies with kazooes called The Tooting Tootsies were being booed off by the crowd. One of the ladies threw one of her kazooes into a cop.

Big mistake. The cop arrested her and charged her with assault.

You could have seen the number of people being arrested and brought into the police station in Plymouth over the entire afternoon. Meanwhile, a Pilgrim saw what was going on and mused, "Verily, the mob hath a legion of demons within them!" How many more would be brought in before the day was out?

A number of the protesters were arrested and charged with all kinds of charges from breaking and entering to destruction of property. But still, there were a few who made it back to the commuter rail for the train home. As the festivities continued on the waterfront, dozens more protesters started to come in and began to up the ante.

On the train back, the protesters felt really upset at what had happened during the day. They'd only wanted to protest Jerry Lewis's using of pity to raise money. What they'd done was cause a row, in which thousands had gotten hurt and many more had been arrested.

To be continued...

Friday, September 2, 2011


I've kept silent on this for too long, but now I'm gonna shout it out! President Barack Obama is trying to ram through health care legislation that will force you and I to pay for abortions. That's right! Mr. Obama is trying to force the Freedom of Choice Act through so-called "health care reform!"
The new health care bill that's being gunned through Congress is being used to mandate "abortion coverage" with insurance companies being forced to provide insurance for abortion. And it would ration health care, especially towards seniors and persons with disabilities. We must stop Obama from legislating "The Culture of Death!" It is imperative that we speak out on this issue.
I've been listening to a "Stop The Abortion Mandate" webcast this evening, which is telling people about the FOCA legislation that Obama's trying to ram through our Congress.
Please take action on this by visiting today for more information. Also, please contact your Congresspeople and Senators in the Congress today and tell them to have abortion excluded from any health care legislation.
I'm glad I didn't vote for President Obama in November, because I knew that he was going to pass this ridiculous bullshit! Yeah, the Democrats have, in the past, helped special needs children, advocated for health care for working families, and helped unions to protect workers' rights. But how can they help working families if they are going to ram through ridiculous legislation like this?
The ObamaCare abortion mandate would ration health care, forcing seniors and persons with disabilities to suffer in silence. It's up to people like you and me to speak up for those who are unable to speak for themselves. Please visit and stop the assault on the dignity of human life.
Please pass this legislationt

Thursday, June 23, 2011


"HELLO, Mister Morning!
My favorite time of day!"
The scene is a Silver Bird train on the Red Line where a radio is blaring out a McDonald's commercial.
"Shut the fuck up!" someone says in the crowded Red Line train as it pulls out of Broadway Station on a rainy October morning."
"NEXT STOP," says the computer voice on the train.
"SOUTH STATION!" says another voice.
The train seems to stop every 30 seconds as it rambles through the tunnel before the conductor says over the intercom, "We have a disabled train ahead of us. We apologize for the delay."
"Bullshit!" another passenger yells before the train moves on again.
"ENTERING," the computer voice says.
"SOUTH STATION!" the other voice says. Then, in a more pleasant tone, "Change here for the Commuter Rail and the Silver Line, with service to Logan Airport."
And then the conductor chimes in, "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Hope everybody had a good night last night. This is South Station; change here for the commuter rail, Amtrak, Local Bus connections, the Silver Line and intercity buses. Look around yourselves now, gather up all your belongings and make sure you're leaving nothing behind you. Have a great day!"
As the crowd begins flowing out of the train, the conductor yells over the intercom, "We have a bound and nude body on the train. This train is coming out of service! All out, no passengers please."
At the other end of the train, there is screaming and yelling as people scramble out of the car, then everybody rushes out of the train. It's scary to see such a site, but a few minutes later, the nude body of a man who's bound and gagged is found in the last car.

2 minutes later another train picks up the still shaken crowd and it continues to drop off its passengers-and pick up some more-as it runs through downtown before heading for Cambridge.
"ENTERING...CHARLES/MGH." the computer voice says before adding, "MASS GENERAL HOSPITAL."
"MASS EYE AND EAR INFIRMARY!" A woman's voice chimes in.

To be continued...

Thursday, February 17, 2011


It was a cold, rainy Valentine's Day here in Boston. Over a dozen men were walking through the concurse of the Frasier Investments Building in 10 Post Office Square dressed in Pampers and dress shirts with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Frasier Investments." A lot of the clients visiting that day were so disgusted by this that they walked out of the building.  As they were marching through the concourse, they were all singing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and "Won't You Be My Valentine?"

Suddenly, several cars from the Boston Police Department sped into the square and a dozen cops entered the building.

"You're all under arrest for indecent exposure!" the head cop said. "You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be taken down and used against you as evidence."

One of the men pulled out a gun and shot the cop right in the jaw. Within seconds, the two factions started a gun battle which resulted in dozens of people being caught in the crossfire and getting killed or badly wounded. They butchered away for nearly 10 minutes. When it was over, only 2 of the cops were alive(and they were wounded, but with non-life threatening injuries) while not one of the Cupids were left alive.

As a number of other cops came in to investigate, they saw the spirits of the men dressed as Cupid ascend out of their bodies and, lifted up by angel's wings, disappeared into the sky. As they rose, the began to sing:

"Let Me Call You Sweet Heart!
La la la la la la!"

In all, 65 men and women died in that ten minute stretch; over 125 were injured(5 of them would die of their injuries several hours later). A lot of couples were left widowed and many children became orphans that day. And all because of a bunch of men sacrificing their professional integrity for the sake of celebrating Valentine's Day.

Anyway, when I heard that my ex-girlfriend had passed away that afternoon, I couldn't believe the news. She'd died after she stormed out of the flower shop where she worked after arguing with me over a delivery she had to make at the Frasier Building. The whole spat escalated when she threw the engagement ring I'd given her the night before into my face. And as she left, she told me, "We're through, Richard!" As she stormed out, she was hit by several bullets that were fired from someone who was driving by at the time(I learned later that it was her former boyfriend, who she broke up with several hours earlier).

Almost immediately, I had a nervous breakdown.


As I was listening to the radio on the T's Orange Line this morning, I heard a very disturbing jingle:

"Sears is where America used to shop
for the life we used to lead!
Sears is where America used to shop
for the things we used to need!"

And then a high-pitched announcer interrupted with a startling announcement:

"All Sears stores in the USA and Canada are going out of business! It's the biggest sale in our over 100 year history! Everything's on sale at 25 to 50%, with 80% off selected items and many specials! Quanitites are limited and all sales are final! Visit for more details. It's business as usual at all K-Mart stores! And yes, K-Mart will be open Christmas Day for your last minute shopping convenience."

Just great! I switched the station just as I got off at Community College and turned on to WODS-FM's Christmas marathon. Just as Mariah Carey's "O Holy Night" began playing, a loud sound started to shout:


For 5 minutes, the monotone was shouting the MBTA's name. I slipped off my earphones and pulled it out of the socket. By now, the voice yelling "MBTA" was shouting at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, I heard a beeping sound and the voice saying, "This radio will self destruct in 5 seconds!"

5 Seconds?! Luckily, there was a trashcan nearby, so I threw it in and skidaddled the other way. As I turned the corner onto a side street, the radio exploded, blowing the trashcan into smithereens.

I was shocked! Was that radio a bomb? I dared not think about what happened-or what might have. I continued into the office with a stunned look in my face.

"Good morning, Richard," the receptionist said. "What's wrong?"

"That radio I was listening to started yelling "MBTA, MBTA" over and over for 10 minutes. Then I heard an announcement saying that the radio would self destruct in five seconds."

"You're kidding!"

"I threw it into a trash can and took off. It blew up just as I turned the corner."

"I'm glad you weren't hurt."

I picked up a bunch of Wall Street Journals and started distributing them to the partners. But when I came into Charlie McDougall's office, he shouted, "You owe me $12,000!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That radio you threw into the trash can blew up my car!"

"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"

"Officer, read him his rights and get rid of him! I don't ever want to see him again!"

Behind me there was a cop who came over to me. But as he gave the Miranda speech, he arrested Charlie inatead.

"Not me, you dummy! Him!"

"He's the one you sold that bomb to, Mr. McDougall!"

As the cop dragged Charlie out the door, I almost collapsed. Charlie was trying to kill me or frame me for a crime.

"Okay, Mac! Get in the car!"

"You set me up, Richard! I'll fucking kill you!"

As the car sped away, I snarled, "Write me if you get work in jail, Charlie."

I went back in and said to the receptionist, "I can't believe it! Was Charlie trying to kill me or frame me for a crime?"

"I don't know, Richard."

I went into the men's room and cried for about an hour before I got control of myself. Now wouldn't that have been a shock?

Meanwhile, on another part of town, someone working for the Post Office heard the same thing and threw the radio out the window. But it was onto a speeding car that it landed, blowing up the car and the occupants inside of it. No great loss, though. It was a bunch of gangsters who'd just robbed the Bank of America branch in Government Center.

To be continued....