Saturday, June 28, 2014

JINGLE BELLS! HITLER SMELLS!

As I was on the Alewife train yesterday, I was listening to the computer intercom saying "Entering...South Station.  Change here for the commuter rail."  Suddenly, someone near the door was singing:

"Jingle Bells!  Hitler smells!
Goering is a gay!
Eva Braun is a man
and all of them have AIDS!
Hey!"

"What the fuck did you say?" someone sitting down said.

"You heard me!  Hitler smells!" the guy replied.

"You fuck...you're dead!" the man yelled, rising from his seat and lunging at him with a switchblade.  At almost the last minute, his intended victim leapt out of the way, causing his assailant to crack through the window and fall into the opposite track where he landed on the third rail head first.  As he fell onto the ground, his body was run over by a train going Southbound."

As the train doors opened at South Station, the guy bolted out with the rest of the crowd while the conductor shouted over the speakers, "Ladies and gentlemen, please spread out and use all the doors.  Let's not bunch up in the middle two cars.  If you can't fit into this train, please stand behind the yellow line.  There's a train one minute behind of us.  If you're leaving us here, look around yourselves now and gather up all your belongings.  Let's make sure you're not leaving anything behind you, please!"

Suddenly, there was screaming from the Southbound platform  as they yelled, "There's a man under the train!"  Since the train was running express to JFK UMass, it continued without stopping.  When it had departed the station, it showed the man with his body cut in half and blood all over the track.  At that moment, the conductor shouted, "Ladies and gentlemen, please exit the car.  There's been a man run over on the opposite track. We have to close the station down.  All out, please.  No passengers; this train's coming out of service."

Almost instantly, the train emptied out with people stampeding upon each other.  A drunk was watching the spectacle and yelling "More booze!" Suddenly, scores of robots looking like the man who was killed came out of the corpse yelling, "You destroyed pure Nazism!  You have a sin on your soul!"  Most of them were run over by the crowd that was leaving the station.

Meanwhile, a guy was walking around Symphony Hall when he saw a throne on the stage.  He sat down on it and thought for a while.  Suddenly, the curtain opened and he saw hundreds of people sitting in the stands.

Almost instantly, a spotlight came on and covered him with blinding light.  A timpani began to play and another spotlight came on, showing a man with a crown in his hands.

"Indispensable knowledge of all trains!" the man shouted.  "I proudly crown thee, Mr. Charley H. Martin!"  And as he put the crown on his head, a gallon of water came out of it and soaked him.

"I'm getting the fuck outta here!" the man shouted and bolted off the stage.

"No, wait, Charley!" the man shouted.  "They love you!  They want to know..."

But the man was gone, so the other man turned to the audience.  "Well," he said, "that was Charley H. Martin.  Indispensable knowledge of all trains.  If you'd like more information, you can contact...."

"Yeah, and of jerkin' off, too!" someone in the audience shouted.

"What?" the compere said.

"He was jerking off!"

To be continued...(Yeah, right!)

Saturday, May 31, 2014

MEANWHILE BACK AT HARVARD....

Meanwhile, I just got off the train at Harvard Stadium and I'm walking through the Yard, but I have to stop for the procession of graduates walking through it.  Because this is the day of the Harvard Graduation.  I'm told to move out of the yard, since this is a ticketed event for the grads and their family.

As I walk out of the yard, I watch the ceremony play out.  The invocation is given by the pastor of St. Paul's Catholic Church, the Latin oration is read by given by a 22 year old lady from Germany, a Greek oration is given by a Canadian young man, a Hebrew oration follows by a Jewish girl from Tokyo, and of course there are the 2 English addresses.  There's all kinds of hooting and hollering during each address as the people listen attentively and cheer the orators.

As I arrive at my hot dog stand, I watch lots of people watching the ceremony on an Ultra High Definition TV with a choir singing a selection by the Hebrew orator from Japan.  Seconds after they finish, a group of Japanese give a cheer for their country woman.

And with that comes the conferral of degrees, which is symbolic in nature(the actual diplomas are given during luncheons at the various schools and residence houses later on).  Meanwhile, I'm selling hot dogs in the square(thank God for communications).  In addition to the feed, it's being broadcast on cable across New England and on the web around the world.

The first honorary degree is a pro-life advocate who uses plants as an alternative to embyonic stem cells for research into neurological diseases.  Most of the people boo him while others give him a "three cheers" over many times.  Another is a Norweigan composer whose Requiem for a Princess was used during Cardinal Sean's recently Pontificial Requiem Mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross.  Others include a decorated war hero from the Persian Gulf War, the President of the Gaelic Athletic Association of Ireland, the Archbishop of Detroit(who recently went against Church teaching and called for same sex marriage in his city's Catholic churches), and the producer of the year's multi-Oscar winning movie about the Battle of Armageddon.

"That rotten bastard!" a customer says.

"The man who created the Armageddon film?" I ask.

"No," he tells me, "the Archbishop of Detroit.  How dare he spit on his own Church teaching and announcing that he rejoices in 'equal marriage,' which is supposed to be a non-negotiable issue for us Catholics."  He watches the crowd booing as the Archbishop receives his honorary degree.  "You oughta be excommunicated!" the man shouts at the Ultra HDTV.

I smile at his comment.

To be continued...

Friday, May 30, 2014

TIED TO THE TRACKS!

"Are you going to rape me, Miss Utada?" Anthy Hashimoto said in a quivering voice as Miko Utada tied her wrists behind her back?"

"Are you kidding?" Miko said.  "I've been wanting to paint a portrait of you in danger.  I'm just saving time by taking photos of you here."  They were at an abandoned railroad track just off the Old Colony commuter rail fine in Plymouth.  Anthy was dressed in her her white dress with Miko dressed in her sweat suit, which she slipped out of, revealing a red tee shirt and a dark blue pleated skirt.

Anthy winced as Miko wrapped the rope around her torso and tied it just above her elbows.  She then laid her on the track before tying her knees and ankles together.  Once she was secured, Miko took out her digital camera and started taking photos of her.

"Help!" Anthy cried as she squirmed.  "Help!"  As she squirmed, her dress moved up her legs, revealing a black pair of panties, which were wet, since her bladder had broke during the photos shoot.

"Hold it!" a voice shouted.

It was someone from the T Police.  "What the fuck are you two doing?"

"I'm taking pictures of my friend," Miko said, "because I'm trying to do a painting called 'Tied To The Tracks.'"

"Not here you won't," the cop said.  "Take off both of you before I have you arrested for trespassing."

"Don't worry," Anthy smiled as Miko picked her up.  "We got all the photos we need.  Bye."

The cop watched as they disappeared down the street.

"Okay, Miko, your turn," Anthy said as they arrived at the beach.  Miko sat down while her hands were wrenched and tied together by Anthy, who was still tied up at the moment.  She used the rest of the long coil to wrap around her torso.  After that, she crossed her ankles and bound them in a tight fashion.

"Hey," Miko said, "you didn't give me a chance to untie you."

"Well," Anthy smiled, "I wanna do this with both hands tied behind my back."  She started taking a photo shoot while Milo squirmed.  "Help me," she said.  "Help me!  Help!  Help!"  Her skirt rode up her thighs, revealing her white panties.

"That's enough," a voice said.  It was one of those Plymouth cops.  "How many times do I have to tell you ladies?  No weird sex on the beach!"

"We don't mean no harm," Miko replied.  "We're just trying to do some photos."

"Well, do it at home," the cop said.  Anthy untied Miko's ankles and they both ran off the beach and back up the street.

"Well, Anthy," Miko said, "it's getting to be that you just can't make a kinky living."

"Well, Miss Miko," Anthy said, "not much you can do about that."  They went back to their cottage where they started developing their photos.  And they were still tied up, if you can believe it."