HELLO, MISTER MORNING!

"HELLO, Mister Morning!
My favorite time of day!"
The scene is a Silver Bird train on the Red Line where a radio is blaring out a McDonald's commercial.
"Shut the fuck up!" someone says in the crowded Red Line train as it pulls out of Broadway Station on a rainy October morning."
"NEXT STOP," says the computer voice on the train.
"SOUTH STATION!" says another voice.
The train seems to stop every 30 seconds as it rambles through the tunnel before the conductor says over the intercom, "We have a disabled train ahead of us. We apologize for the delay."
"Bullshit!" another passenger yells before the train moves on again.
"ENTERING," the computer voice says.
"SOUTH STATION!" the other voice says. Then, in a more pleasant tone, "Change here for the Commuter Rail and the Silver Line, with service to Logan Airport."
And then the conductor chimes in, "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Hope everybody had a good night last night. This is South Station; change here for the commuter rail, Amtrak, Local Bus connections, the Silver Line and intercity buses. Look around yourselves now, gather up all your belongings and make sure you're leaving nothing behind you. Have a great day!"
As the crowd begins flowing out of the train, the conductor yells over the intercom, "We have a bound and nude body on the train. This train is coming out of service! All out, no passengers please."
At the other end of the train, there is screaming and yelling as people scramble out of the car, then everybody rushes out of the train. It's scary to see such a site, but a few minutes later, the nude body of a man who's bound and gagged is found in the last car.
Gross!

2 minutes later another train picks up the still shaken crowd and it continues to drop off its passengers-and pick up some more-as it runs through downtown before heading for Cambridge.
"ENTERING...CHARLES/MGH." the computer voice says before adding, "MASS GENERAL HOSPITAL."
"MASS EYE AND EAR INFIRMARY!" A woman's voice chimes in.
"LAWRENCE WELK MENTAL ASYLUM!" A third voice-this time male-adds. "HOME OF THE BIG BUN!" After a pause, he adds, "ROTTEN WORLD WIDE WRESTLING FEDERATION HEADQUARTERS! WHERE YA BOUGHT THE HAT!"

To be continued...

THE MARCH OF THE CUPIDS!

It was a cold, rainy Valentine's Day here in Boston. Over a dozen men were walking through the concurse of the Frasier Investments Building in 10 Post Office Square dressed in Pampers and dress shirts with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Frasier Investments." A lot of the clients visiting that day were so disgusted by this that they walked out of the building.  As they were marching through the concourse, they were all singing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and "Won't You Be My Valentine?"

Suddenly, several cars from the Boston Police Department sped into the square and a dozen cops entered the building.

"You're all under arrest for indecent exposure!" the head cop said. "You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be taken down and used against you as evidence."

One of the men pulled out a gun and shot the cop right in the jaw. Within seconds, the two factions started a gun battle which resulted in dozens of people being caught in the crossfire and getting killed or badly wounded. They butchered away for nearly 10 minutes. When it was over, only 2 of the cops were alive(and they were wounded, but with non-life threatening injuries) while not one of the Cupids were left alive.

As a number of other cops came in to investigate, they saw the spirits of the men dressed as Cupid ascend out of their bodies and, lifted up by angel's wings, disappeared into the sky. As they rose, the began to sing:

"Let Me Call You Sweet Heart!
La la la la la la!"

In all, 65 men and women died in that ten minute stretch; over 125 were injured(5 of them would die of their injuries several hours later). A lot of couples were left widowed and many children became orphans that day. And all because of a bunch of men sacrificing their professional integrity for the sake of celebrating Valentine's Day.

Anyway, when I heard that my ex-girlfriend had passed away that afternoon, I couldn't believe the news. She'd died after she stormed out of the flower shop where she worked after arguing with me over a delivery she had to make at the Frasier Building. The whole spat escalated when she threw the engagement ring I'd given her the night before into my face. And as she left, she told me, "We're through, Richard!" As she stormed out, she was hit by several bullets that were fired from someone who was driving by at the time(I learned later that it was her former boyfriend, who she broke up with several hours earlier).

Almost immediately, I had a nervous breakdown.

GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!

As I was listening to the radio on the T's Orange Line this morning, I heard a very disturbing jingle:

"Sears is where America used to shop
for the life we used to lead!
Sears is where America used to shop
for the things we used to need!"

And then a high-pitched announcer interrupted with a startling announcement:

"All Sears stores in the USA and Canada are going out of business! It's the biggest sale in our over 100 year history! Everything's on sale at 25 to 50%, with 80% off selected items and many specials! Quanitites are limited and all sales are final! Visit http://www.sears.com for more details. It's business as usual at all K-Mart stores! And yes, K-Mart will be open Christmas Day for your last minute shopping convenience."

Just great! I switched the station just as I got off at Community College and turned on to WODS-FM's Christmas marathon. Just as Mariah Carey's "O Holy Night" began playing, a loud sound started to shout:

"MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA!"

For 5 minutes, the monotone was shouting the MBTA's name. I slipped off my earphones and pulled it out of the socket. By now, the voice yelling "MBTA" was shouting at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, I heard a beeping sound and the voice saying, "This radio will self destruct in 5 seconds!"

5 Seconds?! Luckily, there was a trashcan nearby, so I threw it in and skidaddled the other way. As I turned the corner onto a side street, the radio exploded, blowing the trashcan into smithereens.

I was shocked! Was that radio a bomb? I dared not think about what happened-or what might have. I continued into the office with a stunned look in my face.

"Good morning, Richard," the receptionist said. "What's wrong?"

"That radio I was listening to started yelling "MBTA, MBTA" over and over for 10 minutes. Then I heard an announcement saying that the radio would self destruct in five seconds."

"You're kidding!"

"I threw it into a trash can and took off. It blew up just as I turned the corner."

"I'm glad you weren't hurt."

I picked up a bunch of Wall Street Journals and started distributing them to the partners. But when I came into Charlie McDougall's office, he shouted, "You owe me $12,000!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That radio you threw into the trash can blew up my car!"

"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"

"Officer, read him his rights and get rid of him! I don't ever want to see him again!"

Behind me there was a cop who came over to me. But as he gave the Miranda speech, he arrested Charlie inatead.

"Not me, you dummy! Him!"

"He's the one you sold that bomb to, Mr. McDougall!"

As the cop dragged Charlie out the door, I almost collapsed. Charlie was trying to kill me or frame me for a crime.

"Okay, Mac! Get in the car!"

"You set me up, Richard! I'll fucking kill you!"

As the car sped away, I snarled, "Write me if you get work in jail, Charlie."

I went back in and said to the receptionist, "I can't believe it! Was Charlie trying to kill me or frame me for a crime?"

"I don't know, Richard."

I went into the men's room and cried for about an hour before I got control of myself. Now wouldn't that have been a shock?

Meanwhile, on another part of town, someone working for the Post Office heard the same thing and threw the radio out the window. But it was onto a speeding car that it landed, blowing up the car and the occupants inside of it. No great loss, though. It was a bunch of gangsters who'd just robbed the Bank of America branch in Government Center.

To be continued....

TIME OUT!

Here's a little time out in order to call attention to a very important cause!

TIME OUT FROM THE BLOG FOR A TV CLOSEDOWN!

Sorry, but the thing didn't work out!

ELVIS IN CONCERT!

"Tonight at 6!" the female announcer said in a exciting tone. "Live from London! New England TV presents 'Elvis In Concert!' A videotaped Elvis will appear on a 3D video screen at the Wembley Stadium while the London Symphony Orchestra and; many of his former band members will perform live! You'll also enjoy guest appearances by Toni Tennille, Bobby Rydell, Lisa Marie Presley, Tori Amos, Olivia Newton John, Terry Jacks and more! Join us for Elvis In Concert Live from London! Tonight at 6 and presented in 3D on New England TV!"
At the MBTA Control Center, the people weren't worried about the upcoming event. They were working on several delays in service. On the Red Line, a Silverbird train had jacknifed as it came into Charles Street station, leaving the track and crossing over the Commonwealth Bridge before crashing into the Charles River. Several people were dead and dozens were injured. The line had to be closed between Park Street and Kendall Stations, with bus service replacing the already snarled trains.
On the Green Line, 2 trolleys had crashed into each other at Park Street station; one of them had gone onto Outbound track 1 when it crashed into a trolley that was going the wrong way and had taken that track to get into the station instead of the Inbound track it was supposed to use. The drivers of both vehicles were dead and several passengers were hurt. One of the trolleys had fallen on its side, crushing a woman who was covering her baby to prevent it from being killed. The train gonig outbound was headed for Cleveland Circle while the train it crashed into was on its way to government center. The entire Green Line had to be shut down and buses were put in service.
On the Orange Line, 2 trains were racing each other on the tracks when the train on the Forest Hills bound track smashed into a stopped train between Chinatown and Downtown Crossing station. The force of the impact caused the trains to split into several parts and spill over to the opposite track. The train going the wrong way on the Oak Grove track barely escaped the wreckage, only to crash into a train entering the Chinatown station. When those trains collided, they smashed into the already 2 ruined trains. All of the drivers of the 4 trains and more than 70 passengers were dead. Over 800 people were injured, and a fire had started on the two trains on the Forest Hills bound line, threatening to blow up and kill everyone in the 2 stations. As the fire crews rushed to the scene, people were scrambling out of both stations and cauasing riots in the Downtown area. Buses were called into service between Forest Hills and State Street Station.
On the Blue Line, a train had exploded in the tunnel between Government Center and Aquarium stations. More than 400 people had been killed in the explosion. As the train came into Aquarium station, the waiting commuters were shocked to see the fires engulfing the passengers inside. Once more, the shuttle buses were set into action between Government Center and Airport Stations.
The supervisors on duty were frantic to get all their buses on the suspended lines, but a lot of them were still busy with their school runs.

To be continued....

IN THE MAILROOM!

As a few of the people in the mailroom at Peecham Investments were going through the huge amount of mail coming that cold early February day, the director of the Human Resources Department came in.
"The company has set the theme for Valentine's Day," she announced. "The men are coming dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders. And the sashes will say 'Happy Valentine's Day From Peecham Investments.'"
"No way!"
"I won't wear 'em!"
"Forget about it!"
"Hey, don't you want to have the secretaries run after you?"
"No, I won't do it!"
"I was gonna come in dressed in my pink underwear."
"Forget about it!"
And with that, all the mailroom staff marched up to the chairman's office and confronted him.
"What's this about us dressing Pampers for Valentine's Day?"
"I didn't make the decree, friends," the chairman said. He then called for the H.R. director to come up to the office. And to the crowd he said, "The rest of you get back to work. And if anyone dresses up in that get-up on Valentine's Day, they'll be dismissed."

TO BE CONTINUED....
But first, hear this!

DAN CUPID: I SWEAR BY PAMPERS!  THE DIAPER OF MAN....
SFX: Trap door opening.
DAN CUPID: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!