As I was listening to the radio on the T's Orange Line this morning, I heard a very disturbing jingle:
"Sears is where America used to shop
for the life we used to lead!
Sears is where America used to shop
for the things we used to need!"
And then a high-pitched announcer interrupted with a startling announcement:
"All Sears stores in the USA and Canada are going out of business! It's the biggest sale in our over 100 year history! Everything's on sale at 25 to 50%, with 80% off selected items and many specials! Quanitites are limited and all sales are final! Visit http://www.sears.com for more details. It's business as usual at all K-Mart stores! And yes, K-Mart will be open Christmas Day for your last minute shopping convenience."
Just great! I switched the station just as I got off at Community College and turned on to WODS-FM's Christmas marathon. Just as Mariah Carey's "O Holy Night" began playing, a loud sound started to shout:
"MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA!"
For 5 minutes, the monotone was shouting the MBTA's name. I slipped off my earphones and pulled it out of the socket. By now, the voice yelling "MBTA" was shouting at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, I heard a beeping sound and the voice saying, "This radio will self destruct in 5 seconds!"
5 Seconds?! Luckily, there was a trashcan nearby, so I threw it in and skidaddled the other way. As I turned the corner onto a side street, the radio exploded, blowing the trashcan into smithereens.
I was shocked! Was that radio a bomb? I dared not think about what happened-or what might have. I continued into the office with a stunned look in my face.
"Good morning, Richard," the receptionist said. "What's wrong?"
"That radio I was listening to started yelling "MBTA, MBTA" over and over for 10 minutes. Then I heard an announcement saying that the radio would self destruct in five seconds."
"You're kidding!"
"I threw it into a trash can and took off. It blew up just as I turned the corner."
"I'm glad you weren't hurt."
I picked up a bunch of Wall Street Journals and started distributing them to the partners. But when I came into Charlie McDougall's office, he shouted, "You owe me $12,000!"
"What are you talking about?"
"That radio you threw into the trash can blew up my car!"
"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"
"Officer, read him his rights and get rid of him! I don't ever want to see him again!"
Behind me there was a cop who came over to me. But as he gave the Miranda speech, he arrested Charlie inatead.
"Not me, you dummy! Him!"
"He's the one you sold that bomb to, Mr. McDougall!"
As the cop dragged Charlie out the door, I almost collapsed. Charlie was trying to kill me or frame me for a crime.
"Okay, Mac! Get in the car!"
"You set me up, Richard! I'll fucking kill you!"
As the car sped away, I snarled, "Write me if you get work in jail, Charlie."
I went back in and said to the receptionist, "I can't believe it! Was Charlie trying to kill me or frame me for a crime?"
"I don't know, Richard."
I went into the men's room and cried for about an hour before I got control of myself. Now wouldn't that have been a shock?
Meanwhile, on another part of town, someone working for the Post Office heard the same thing and threw the radio out the window. But it was onto a speeding car that it landed, blowing up the car and the occupants inside of it. No great loss, though. It was a bunch of gangsters who'd just robbed the Bank of America branch in Government Center.
To be continued....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
ELVIS IN CONCERT!
"Tonight at 6!" the female announcer said in a exciting tone. "Live from London! New England TV presents 'Elvis In Concert!' A videotaped Elvis will appear on a 3D video screen at the Wembley Stadium while the London Symphony Orchestra and; many of his former band members will perform live! You'll also enjoy guest appearances by Toni Tennille, Bobby Rydell, Lisa Marie Presley, Tori Amos, Olivia Newton John, Terry Jacks and more! Join us for Elvis In Concert Live from London! Tonight at 6 and presented in 3D on New England TV!"
At the MBTA Control Center, the people weren't worried about the upcoming event. They were working on several delays in service. On the Red Line, a Silverbird train had jacknifed as it came into Charles Street station, leaving the track and crossing over the Commonwealth Bridge before crashing into the Charles River. Several people were dead and dozens were injured. The line had to be closed between Park Street and Kendall Stations, with bus service replacing the already snarled trains.
On the Green Line, 2 trolleys had crashed into each other at Park Street station; one of them had gone onto Outbound track 1 when it crashed into a trolley that was going the wrong way and had taken that track to get into the station instead of the Inbound track it was supposed to use. The drivers of both vehicles were dead and several passengers were hurt. One of the trolleys had fallen on its side, crushing a woman who was covering her baby to prevent it from being killed. The train gonig outbound was headed for Cleveland Circle while the train it crashed into was on its way to government center. The entire Green Line had to be shut down and buses were put in service.
On the Orange Line, 2 trains were racing each other on the tracks when the train on the Forest Hills bound track smashed into a stopped train between Chinatown and Downtown Crossing station. The force of the impact caused the trains to split into several parts and spill over to the opposite track. The train going the wrong way on the Oak Grove track barely escaped the wreckage, only to crash into a train entering the Chinatown station. When those trains collided, they smashed into the already 2 ruined trains. All of the drivers of the 4 trains and more than 70 passengers were dead. Over 800 people were injured, and a fire had started on the two trains on the Forest Hills bound line, threatening to blow up and kill everyone in the 2 stations. As the fire crews rushed to the scene, people were scrambling out of both stations and cauasing riots in the Downtown area. Buses were called into service between Forest Hills and State Street Station.
On the Blue Line, a train had exploded in the tunnel between Government Center and Aquarium stations. More than 400 people had been killed in the explosion. As the train came into Aquarium station, the waiting commuters were shocked to see the fires engulfing the passengers inside. Once more, the shuttle buses were set into action between Government Center and Airport Stations.
The supervisors on duty were frantic to get all their buses on the suspended lines, but a lot of them were still busy with their school runs.
To be continued....
At the MBTA Control Center, the people weren't worried about the upcoming event. They were working on several delays in service. On the Red Line, a Silverbird train had jacknifed as it came into Charles Street station, leaving the track and crossing over the Commonwealth Bridge before crashing into the Charles River. Several people were dead and dozens were injured. The line had to be closed between Park Street and Kendall Stations, with bus service replacing the already snarled trains.
On the Green Line, 2 trolleys had crashed into each other at Park Street station; one of them had gone onto Outbound track 1 when it crashed into a trolley that was going the wrong way and had taken that track to get into the station instead of the Inbound track it was supposed to use. The drivers of both vehicles were dead and several passengers were hurt. One of the trolleys had fallen on its side, crushing a woman who was covering her baby to prevent it from being killed. The train gonig outbound was headed for Cleveland Circle while the train it crashed into was on its way to government center. The entire Green Line had to be shut down and buses were put in service.
On the Orange Line, 2 trains were racing each other on the tracks when the train on the Forest Hills bound track smashed into a stopped train between Chinatown and Downtown Crossing station. The force of the impact caused the trains to split into several parts and spill over to the opposite track. The train going the wrong way on the Oak Grove track barely escaped the wreckage, only to crash into a train entering the Chinatown station. When those trains collided, they smashed into the already 2 ruined trains. All of the drivers of the 4 trains and more than 70 passengers were dead. Over 800 people were injured, and a fire had started on the two trains on the Forest Hills bound line, threatening to blow up and kill everyone in the 2 stations. As the fire crews rushed to the scene, people were scrambling out of both stations and cauasing riots in the Downtown area. Buses were called into service between Forest Hills and State Street Station.
On the Blue Line, a train had exploded in the tunnel between Government Center and Aquarium stations. More than 400 people had been killed in the explosion. As the train came into Aquarium station, the waiting commuters were shocked to see the fires engulfing the passengers inside. Once more, the shuttle buses were set into action between Government Center and Airport Stations.
The supervisors on duty were frantic to get all their buses on the suspended lines, but a lot of them were still busy with their school runs.
To be continued....
Friday, June 18, 2010
IN THE MAILROOM!
As a few of the people in the mailroom at Peecham Investments were going through the huge amount of mail coming that cold early February day, the director of the Human Resources Department came in.
"The company has set the theme for Valentine's Day," she announced. "The men are coming dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders. And the sashes will say 'Happy Valentine's Day From Peecham Investments.'"
"No way!"
"I won't wear 'em!"
"Forget about it!"
"Hey, don't you want to have the secretaries run after you?"
"No, I won't do it!"
"I was gonna come in dressed in my pink underwear."
"Forget about it!"
And with that, all the mailroom staff marched up to the chairman's office and confronted him.
"What's this about us dressing Pampers for Valentine's Day?"
"I didn't make the decree, friends," the chairman said. He then called for the H.R. director to come up to the office. And to the crowd he said, "The rest of you get back to work. And if anyone dresses up in that get-up on Valentine's Day, they'll be dismissed."
TO BE CONTINUED....
But first, hear this!
DAN CUPID: I SWEAR BY PAMPERS! THE DIAPER OF MAN....
SFX: Trap door opening.
DAN CUPID: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!
"The company has set the theme for Valentine's Day," she announced. "The men are coming dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders. And the sashes will say 'Happy Valentine's Day From Peecham Investments.'"
"No way!"
"I won't wear 'em!"
"Forget about it!"
"Hey, don't you want to have the secretaries run after you?"
"No, I won't do it!"
"I was gonna come in dressed in my pink underwear."
"Forget about it!"
And with that, all the mailroom staff marched up to the chairman's office and confronted him.
"What's this about us dressing Pampers for Valentine's Day?"
"I didn't make the decree, friends," the chairman said. He then called for the H.R. director to come up to the office. And to the crowd he said, "The rest of you get back to work. And if anyone dresses up in that get-up on Valentine's Day, they'll be dismissed."
TO BE CONTINUED....
But first, hear this!
DAN CUPID: I SWEAR BY PAMPERS! THE DIAPER OF MAN....
SFX: Trap door opening.
DAN CUPID: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
LIVE FROM BOHEMIAN GROVE!
Meanwhile at the MBTA Control Center, a few of the workers who were burning the midnight oil this Saturday night were watching a live telecast of the Cremation of Care ceremony from the Bohemian Grove encampment in Monte Rio, California. A few days earlier, several Christian cable networks had set up hidden cameras around the theater where the Cremation takes place on the opening weekend of each year's encampment.
As the secret telecast began, the high priest's assistant was intoning, "The Owl is in his leafy temple! Let all within the grove become reverent before him..."
One of the jocks said, "At last, we're finally getting a look at how the super rich bastards spend their summer vacation."
"Weaving spiders come not here!" the high priest shouted before he welcomed the gathering of 2,000 men-no women or children-to "midsummer's joy...attend our tale! Gather, ye forest folk, and cast your spell upon these mortals. Fill their world weary minds with carrion and open their eyes to fancy!" This is the horrible truth of what the government and business elite perform each midsummer in the Grove.
Also planned for the secret webcasts were a few of the "Lakeside Talks," which focused on policy issues for the future, as well as entertainment performed by the Grovers. Nobody knew what was going to unfold as the ceremony ran its course. But as they brought an effigy of "Care" over to the pyre, there was sinister enjoyment being enjoyed by the Grovers.
"Bring fire!" the high priest shouted! "Burn care!"
As they began the cremation, Care shouted out, "When will ye learn...year after year, ye burn me in this grove...but when again, ye turn your faces to the marketplace, don't you find me there waiting as of old?"
"Fire shall have its will of you!" the high priest said.
"Not with these flames...ye fools and priests, I spit upon your fire!"
Well, they lit it up anyway!
"Isn't Mr. Grabauskis at the Grove this week?" the Supervisor asked the jock.
"No," the jock responded. "He's against the whole Bohemian Grove shit since he found out about it 2 years ago."
"...Fellowship!
Upon The Altar
Of Bohemia!"
"Thank you for your counsel, Mr. Owl!"
As the secret telecast began, the high priest's assistant was intoning, "The Owl is in his leafy temple! Let all within the grove become reverent before him..."
One of the jocks said, "At last, we're finally getting a look at how the super rich bastards spend their summer vacation."
"Weaving spiders come not here!" the high priest shouted before he welcomed the gathering of 2,000 men-no women or children-to "midsummer's joy...attend our tale! Gather, ye forest folk, and cast your spell upon these mortals. Fill their world weary minds with carrion and open their eyes to fancy!" This is the horrible truth of what the government and business elite perform each midsummer in the Grove.
Also planned for the secret webcasts were a few of the "Lakeside Talks," which focused on policy issues for the future, as well as entertainment performed by the Grovers. Nobody knew what was going to unfold as the ceremony ran its course. But as they brought an effigy of "Care" over to the pyre, there was sinister enjoyment being enjoyed by the Grovers.
"Bring fire!" the high priest shouted! "Burn care!"
As they began the cremation, Care shouted out, "When will ye learn...year after year, ye burn me in this grove...but when again, ye turn your faces to the marketplace, don't you find me there waiting as of old?"
"Fire shall have its will of you!" the high priest said.
"Not with these flames...ye fools and priests, I spit upon your fire!"
Well, they lit it up anyway!
"Isn't Mr. Grabauskis at the Grove this week?" the Supervisor asked the jock.
"No," the jock responded. "He's against the whole Bohemian Grove shit since he found out about it 2 years ago."
"...Fellowship!
Upon The Altar
Of Bohemia!"
"Thank you for your counsel, Mr. Owl!"
Friday, March 26, 2010
NEW YEAR'S EVE AT MIDNIGHT.
New Year's Eve 1971.
"It's 12 Midnight on WBCN, Boston. And remember, if you're not staying over, the T closes in 1 half hour."
And with that, the d.j. on duty that night launched into the Royal Canadians' version of "Auld Lang Syne." In the middle of it, however, the dj on duty pulled the needle off the record and shouted, "Pooh on you all! I'm holding the entire Guy Lumbago band hostage; there will be no New Year!"
"You dick!" the engineer in the studio was heard shouting on the air. "Put that Auld Lang Syne song back on!"
The dj collapsed on the turntable. "Somebody call an ambulance!" the engineer shouted.
At that, the radio went silent for a few minutes before going to a Rare Earth song.
30 minutes earlier, in the Big Apple, a terrorist called Achmed was walking through midtown Manhattan with a rocket launcher in hand. He got a call on his walkie-talkie telling him not to launch an attack on Times Square. "Rather," his boss said, "hit the hotel on Park Avenue."
He didn't know what he was talking about until he was standing outside an appliance store with a TV blaring out, "This is Broadway! The Great White Way! Part of the world's most exciting city, New York! And it's time once again for 'New Year's Eve With Guy Lombardo.' With tonight's special guest stars, Miss Sherree Wallace. Bobby Rydell! The Bells! With John Bartholomew Tucker in Times Square."
Achmed was agahst! He wanted to blow up the Crossroads of the World tonight, but now he was being relegated to a hotel on Park Avenue! What the fuck?! He turned back to the TV again.
"And now, live from the world famous Waldorf Astoria Hotel on fashionable Park Avenue, where New York's High Society meets to celebrate New Year's Eve in the Grand Ballroom, it's the Sweetest Music This Side Of Heaven! With all the Royal Canadians and Mr. New Year's Eve himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Lombardo!"
"I ain't blowing up that shithead Lumbago tonight!" Achmed said to himself as he watched Guy welcome the gang in the hotel and everyone watching on TV. "In the United States," he said, "we're on the entire Columbia Broadcasting System. In the Dominion of Canada, we're on the Canadian Broadcasting System, and in Mexico...our show is being seen tonight on Telesistiema Network. Now let's get started with a song from 'No, No, Nanette.'"
By the time that they were on their first commercial break, Achmed was back at his home in Queens. He didn't even bother to see the countdown; he just slipped into bed and plotted to blow up his boss the next time he saw him.
To be continued...
"It's 12 Midnight on WBCN, Boston. And remember, if you're not staying over, the T closes in 1 half hour."
And with that, the d.j. on duty that night launched into the Royal Canadians' version of "Auld Lang Syne." In the middle of it, however, the dj on duty pulled the needle off the record and shouted, "Pooh on you all! I'm holding the entire Guy Lumbago band hostage; there will be no New Year!"
"You dick!" the engineer in the studio was heard shouting on the air. "Put that Auld Lang Syne song back on!"
The dj collapsed on the turntable. "Somebody call an ambulance!" the engineer shouted.
At that, the radio went silent for a few minutes before going to a Rare Earth song.
30 minutes earlier, in the Big Apple, a terrorist called Achmed was walking through midtown Manhattan with a rocket launcher in hand. He got a call on his walkie-talkie telling him not to launch an attack on Times Square. "Rather," his boss said, "hit the hotel on Park Avenue."
He didn't know what he was talking about until he was standing outside an appliance store with a TV blaring out, "This is Broadway! The Great White Way! Part of the world's most exciting city, New York! And it's time once again for 'New Year's Eve With Guy Lombardo.' With tonight's special guest stars, Miss Sherree Wallace. Bobby Rydell! The Bells! With John Bartholomew Tucker in Times Square."
Achmed was agahst! He wanted to blow up the Crossroads of the World tonight, but now he was being relegated to a hotel on Park Avenue! What the fuck?! He turned back to the TV again.
"And now, live from the world famous Waldorf Astoria Hotel on fashionable Park Avenue, where New York's High Society meets to celebrate New Year's Eve in the Grand Ballroom, it's the Sweetest Music This Side Of Heaven! With all the Royal Canadians and Mr. New Year's Eve himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Lombardo!"
"I ain't blowing up that shithead Lumbago tonight!" Achmed said to himself as he watched Guy welcome the gang in the hotel and everyone watching on TV. "In the United States," he said, "we're on the entire Columbia Broadcasting System. In the Dominion of Canada, we're on the Canadian Broadcasting System, and in Mexico...our show is being seen tonight on Telesistiema Network. Now let's get started with a song from 'No, No, Nanette.'"
By the time that they were on their first commercial break, Achmed was back at his home in Queens. He didn't even bother to see the countdown; he just slipped into bed and plotted to blow up his boss the next time he saw him.
To be continued...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)