As a few of the people in the mailroom at Peecham Investments were going through the huge amount of mail coming that cold early February day, the director of the Human Resources Department came in.
"The company has set the theme for Valentine's Day," she announced. "The men are coming dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders. And the sashes will say 'Happy Valentine's Day From Peecham Investments.'"
"No way!"
"I won't wear 'em!"
"Forget about it!"
"Hey, don't you want to have the secretaries run after you?"
"No, I won't do it!"
"I was gonna come in dressed in my pink underwear."
"Forget about it!"
And with that, all the mailroom staff marched up to the chairman's office and confronted him.
"What's this about us dressing Pampers for Valentine's Day?"
"I didn't make the decree, friends," the chairman said. He then called for the H.R. director to come up to the office. And to the crowd he said, "The rest of you get back to work. And if anyone dresses up in that get-up on Valentine's Day, they'll be dismissed."
TO BE CONTINUED....
But first, hear this!
DAN CUPID: I SWEAR BY PAMPERS! THE DIAPER OF MAN....
SFX: Trap door opening.
DAN CUPID: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
LIVE FROM BOHEMIAN GROVE!
Meanwhile at the MBTA Control Center, a few of the workers who were burning the midnight oil this Saturday night were watching a live telecast of the Cremation of Care ceremony from the Bohemian Grove encampment in Monte Rio, California. A few days earlier, several Christian cable networks had set up hidden cameras around the theater where the Cremation takes place on the opening weekend of each year's encampment.
As the secret telecast began, the high priest's assistant was intoning, "The Owl is in his leafy temple! Let all within the grove become reverent before him..."
One of the jocks said, "At last, we're finally getting a look at how the super rich bastards spend their summer vacation."
"Weaving spiders come not here!" the high priest shouted before he welcomed the gathering of 2,000 men-no women or children-to "midsummer's joy...attend our tale! Gather, ye forest folk, and cast your spell upon these mortals. Fill their world weary minds with carrion and open their eyes to fancy!" This is the horrible truth of what the government and business elite perform each midsummer in the Grove.
Also planned for the secret webcasts were a few of the "Lakeside Talks," which focused on policy issues for the future, as well as entertainment performed by the Grovers. Nobody knew what was going to unfold as the ceremony ran its course. But as they brought an effigy of "Care" over to the pyre, there was sinister enjoyment being enjoyed by the Grovers.
"Bring fire!" the high priest shouted! "Burn care!"
As they began the cremation, Care shouted out, "When will ye learn...year after year, ye burn me in this grove...but when again, ye turn your faces to the marketplace, don't you find me there waiting as of old?"
"Fire shall have its will of you!" the high priest said.
"Not with these flames...ye fools and priests, I spit upon your fire!"
Well, they lit it up anyway!
"Isn't Mr. Grabauskis at the Grove this week?" the Supervisor asked the jock.
"No," the jock responded. "He's against the whole Bohemian Grove shit since he found out about it 2 years ago."
"...Fellowship!
Upon The Altar
Of Bohemia!"
"Thank you for your counsel, Mr. Owl!"
As the secret telecast began, the high priest's assistant was intoning, "The Owl is in his leafy temple! Let all within the grove become reverent before him..."
One of the jocks said, "At last, we're finally getting a look at how the super rich bastards spend their summer vacation."
"Weaving spiders come not here!" the high priest shouted before he welcomed the gathering of 2,000 men-no women or children-to "midsummer's joy...attend our tale! Gather, ye forest folk, and cast your spell upon these mortals. Fill their world weary minds with carrion and open their eyes to fancy!" This is the horrible truth of what the government and business elite perform each midsummer in the Grove.
Also planned for the secret webcasts were a few of the "Lakeside Talks," which focused on policy issues for the future, as well as entertainment performed by the Grovers. Nobody knew what was going to unfold as the ceremony ran its course. But as they brought an effigy of "Care" over to the pyre, there was sinister enjoyment being enjoyed by the Grovers.
"Bring fire!" the high priest shouted! "Burn care!"
As they began the cremation, Care shouted out, "When will ye learn...year after year, ye burn me in this grove...but when again, ye turn your faces to the marketplace, don't you find me there waiting as of old?"
"Fire shall have its will of you!" the high priest said.
"Not with these flames...ye fools and priests, I spit upon your fire!"
Well, they lit it up anyway!
"Isn't Mr. Grabauskis at the Grove this week?" the Supervisor asked the jock.
"No," the jock responded. "He's against the whole Bohemian Grove shit since he found out about it 2 years ago."
"...Fellowship!
Upon The Altar
Of Bohemia!"
"Thank you for your counsel, Mr. Owl!"
Friday, March 26, 2010
NEW YEAR'S EVE AT MIDNIGHT.
New Year's Eve 1971.
"It's 12 Midnight on WBCN, Boston. And remember, if you're not staying over, the T closes in 1 half hour."
And with that, the d.j. on duty that night launched into the Royal Canadians' version of "Auld Lang Syne." In the middle of it, however, the dj on duty pulled the needle off the record and shouted, "Pooh on you all! I'm holding the entire Guy Lumbago band hostage; there will be no New Year!"
"You dick!" the engineer in the studio was heard shouting on the air. "Put that Auld Lang Syne song back on!"
The dj collapsed on the turntable. "Somebody call an ambulance!" the engineer shouted.
At that, the radio went silent for a few minutes before going to a Rare Earth song.
30 minutes earlier, in the Big Apple, a terrorist called Achmed was walking through midtown Manhattan with a rocket launcher in hand. He got a call on his walkie-talkie telling him not to launch an attack on Times Square. "Rather," his boss said, "hit the hotel on Park Avenue."
He didn't know what he was talking about until he was standing outside an appliance store with a TV blaring out, "This is Broadway! The Great White Way! Part of the world's most exciting city, New York! And it's time once again for 'New Year's Eve With Guy Lombardo.' With tonight's special guest stars, Miss Sherree Wallace. Bobby Rydell! The Bells! With John Bartholomew Tucker in Times Square."
Achmed was agahst! He wanted to blow up the Crossroads of the World tonight, but now he was being relegated to a hotel on Park Avenue! What the fuck?! He turned back to the TV again.
"And now, live from the world famous Waldorf Astoria Hotel on fashionable Park Avenue, where New York's High Society meets to celebrate New Year's Eve in the Grand Ballroom, it's the Sweetest Music This Side Of Heaven! With all the Royal Canadians and Mr. New Year's Eve himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Lombardo!"
"I ain't blowing up that shithead Lumbago tonight!" Achmed said to himself as he watched Guy welcome the gang in the hotel and everyone watching on TV. "In the United States," he said, "we're on the entire Columbia Broadcasting System. In the Dominion of Canada, we're on the Canadian Broadcasting System, and in Mexico...our show is being seen tonight on Telesistiema Network. Now let's get started with a song from 'No, No, Nanette.'"
By the time that they were on their first commercial break, Achmed was back at his home in Queens. He didn't even bother to see the countdown; he just slipped into bed and plotted to blow up his boss the next time he saw him.
To be continued...
"It's 12 Midnight on WBCN, Boston. And remember, if you're not staying over, the T closes in 1 half hour."
And with that, the d.j. on duty that night launched into the Royal Canadians' version of "Auld Lang Syne." In the middle of it, however, the dj on duty pulled the needle off the record and shouted, "Pooh on you all! I'm holding the entire Guy Lumbago band hostage; there will be no New Year!"
"You dick!" the engineer in the studio was heard shouting on the air. "Put that Auld Lang Syne song back on!"
The dj collapsed on the turntable. "Somebody call an ambulance!" the engineer shouted.
At that, the radio went silent for a few minutes before going to a Rare Earth song.
30 minutes earlier, in the Big Apple, a terrorist called Achmed was walking through midtown Manhattan with a rocket launcher in hand. He got a call on his walkie-talkie telling him not to launch an attack on Times Square. "Rather," his boss said, "hit the hotel on Park Avenue."
He didn't know what he was talking about until he was standing outside an appliance store with a TV blaring out, "This is Broadway! The Great White Way! Part of the world's most exciting city, New York! And it's time once again for 'New Year's Eve With Guy Lombardo.' With tonight's special guest stars, Miss Sherree Wallace. Bobby Rydell! The Bells! With John Bartholomew Tucker in Times Square."
Achmed was agahst! He wanted to blow up the Crossroads of the World tonight, but now he was being relegated to a hotel on Park Avenue! What the fuck?! He turned back to the TV again.
"And now, live from the world famous Waldorf Astoria Hotel on fashionable Park Avenue, where New York's High Society meets to celebrate New Year's Eve in the Grand Ballroom, it's the Sweetest Music This Side Of Heaven! With all the Royal Canadians and Mr. New Year's Eve himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Lombardo!"
"I ain't blowing up that shithead Lumbago tonight!" Achmed said to himself as he watched Guy welcome the gang in the hotel and everyone watching on TV. "In the United States," he said, "we're on the entire Columbia Broadcasting System. In the Dominion of Canada, we're on the Canadian Broadcasting System, and in Mexico...our show is being seen tonight on Telesistiema Network. Now let's get started with a song from 'No, No, Nanette.'"
By the time that they were on their first commercial break, Achmed was back at his home in Queens. He didn't even bother to see the countdown; he just slipped into bed and plotted to blow up his boss the next time he saw him.
To be continued...
DON'T WORRY! JUST FART!
"Here's a litte song I wrote!
You don't want to
learn it note for note.
Don't worry!
Just fart!"
I was just getting off my train at Quincy Center when I saw a bunch of guys dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Pampers!" It struck me then that the financial firm I used to work for, Pelligrini Investments, 10 years ago, they asked all the men to dress up as Dan Cupid for Valentine's Day. The people at Pampers sent a good chunk of us guys a pair of their diapers and a "Be My Valentine" sash.
I guess it all started when our HR director at the time, Mrs. Clausen, came into the mail area where I worked and said, "The Company has set the theme for Valentine's Day. The men are coming in dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders."
This got me pretty upset and some of the guys started teasing me. I recoiled at the thought of going into work half naked on Valentine's Day. And sure enough, the following Wednesday, the company had sent a package with the pair of Pampers and the sash over. I was so disgusted I threw it into the trash and called in sick that day. I thought they were kidding, but when I saw that box, I found they were serious about it.
I was called into the office and the boss canned me as a result. Fortunately, I got a job two weeks later with the accounting firm I'm employed at today. Well, my rejecting this "theme for Valentine's Day" was well founded. The stock market lost 855 points that day, and the fact that Pelligrini Investments male employees were dressed as Dan Cupid caused the meltdown. The ladies, incidentally, were dressed in flowing Greek robes, portraying them as Greek Goddesses. I won't explain that part of the story...yet!
I didn't say a word to them as I passed them by. I scoffed what they were doing and walked out to the bus platform. As I got on the bus to the South Shore Plaza, a bunch of drunks got off at the back door. It was apparent they'd been drinking after work while waiting for their bus ride home. Now here they were throwing up all over the platform and making people recoil in horror.
The bus trip to the plaza was uneventful, to begin with....
To be continued.
Meanwhile, back on the satellite....
You don't want to
learn it note for note.
Don't worry!
Just fart!"
I was just getting off my train at Quincy Center when I saw a bunch of guys dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Pampers!" It struck me then that the financial firm I used to work for, Pelligrini Investments, 10 years ago, they asked all the men to dress up as Dan Cupid for Valentine's Day. The people at Pampers sent a good chunk of us guys a pair of their diapers and a "Be My Valentine" sash.
I guess it all started when our HR director at the time, Mrs. Clausen, came into the mail area where I worked and said, "The Company has set the theme for Valentine's Day. The men are coming in dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders."
This got me pretty upset and some of the guys started teasing me. I recoiled at the thought of going into work half naked on Valentine's Day. And sure enough, the following Wednesday, the company had sent a package with the pair of Pampers and the sash over. I was so disgusted I threw it into the trash and called in sick that day. I thought they were kidding, but when I saw that box, I found they were serious about it.
I was called into the office and the boss canned me as a result. Fortunately, I got a job two weeks later with the accounting firm I'm employed at today. Well, my rejecting this "theme for Valentine's Day" was well founded. The stock market lost 855 points that day, and the fact that Pelligrini Investments male employees were dressed as Dan Cupid caused the meltdown. The ladies, incidentally, were dressed in flowing Greek robes, portraying them as Greek Goddesses. I won't explain that part of the story...yet!
I didn't say a word to them as I passed them by. I scoffed what they were doing and walked out to the bus platform. As I got on the bus to the South Shore Plaza, a bunch of drunks got off at the back door. It was apparent they'd been drinking after work while waiting for their bus ride home. Now here they were throwing up all over the platform and making people recoil in horror.
The bus trip to the plaza was uneventful, to begin with....
To be continued.
Meanwhile, back on the satellite....
Monday, October 19, 2009
ATTENTION, PASSENGERS!
"Attention, passengers! The next inbound train to Alewife DOES NOT take customers. Please stand back from the Yellow Line."
Shit!
And with that I remember one time when I walked into Shawmut Station waiting for my train to Park Street. And I heard a sinister voice saying, "Hell Bound Train Arriving!" Everybody scrambled away from the platform as a train that was black as ink and filled with flames passed through the station. We could hear the sounds of screaming people in torment. After it left Shawmut, some of us felt fear in our eyes.
"What was that?" I asked one of the commuters.
"It's called the 'Hell Bound Train,'" he explained. "It's a phantom train that passes through this station so often."
"Why's it called the 'Hell Bound Train' anyway?" I asked him.
"30 years ago," the commuter said, "a group of girls from a Catholic high school were on the train when a group of boys from a public school jumped them. They assaulted them and tortured them in every possible way. Once they were finished, they threw the girls out onto the opposite track, where they were run over by the outbound train."
"Wow!"
"In between stations," the commuter continued, "the train started showing sparks and eventually became hot. The boys were the only ones on the train, and suddenly, the car they were on caught fire. Nobody else was on the train but them. They tried to get out, but suddenly, the car was surrounded by flames, killing them."
"My God!"
"And that's why the Hell Bound Train comes through at various times throughout the day," my friend concluded. "It's to remind those who have evil thoughts against women to see what will happen to them if they carry their intentions out."
Unbelievable! As I heard the words "Inbound train arriving," I wondered if I would ever encounter that "Hell Bound Train" again. I haven't seen it since...so far.
To be continued...
Shit!
And with that I remember one time when I walked into Shawmut Station waiting for my train to Park Street. And I heard a sinister voice saying, "Hell Bound Train Arriving!" Everybody scrambled away from the platform as a train that was black as ink and filled with flames passed through the station. We could hear the sounds of screaming people in torment. After it left Shawmut, some of us felt fear in our eyes.
"What was that?" I asked one of the commuters.
"It's called the 'Hell Bound Train,'" he explained. "It's a phantom train that passes through this station so often."
"Why's it called the 'Hell Bound Train' anyway?" I asked him.
"30 years ago," the commuter said, "a group of girls from a Catholic high school were on the train when a group of boys from a public school jumped them. They assaulted them and tortured them in every possible way. Once they were finished, they threw the girls out onto the opposite track, where they were run over by the outbound train."
"Wow!"
"In between stations," the commuter continued, "the train started showing sparks and eventually became hot. The boys were the only ones on the train, and suddenly, the car they were on caught fire. Nobody else was on the train but them. They tried to get out, but suddenly, the car was surrounded by flames, killing them."
"My God!"
"And that's why the Hell Bound Train comes through at various times throughout the day," my friend concluded. "It's to remind those who have evil thoughts against women to see what will happen to them if they carry their intentions out."
Unbelievable! As I heard the words "Inbound train arriving," I wondered if I would ever encounter that "Hell Bound Train" again. I haven't seen it since...so far.
To be continued...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
PROTEST AT THE CIRCUS!
"The circus is here to stay!
The circus is here! Hurray!
Lions! Tigers! Elephants! Clowns!
Cruelty to animals! Accidents galore!
Daring young fools on the flying trapeeze!
No nets and they're dead
like the livid of yore!
Do you really want to go to this show?
I think not!"
Yep, he's outside the North Station T stop again. For the past 2 decades, he has been protesting the Jingaling Circus, the Happiest Show in Town. As he walks around and sings his song, he carries a sign that says, "This circus treats animals like shit!" Up until a few years ago, he was alone. But now, nearly a dozen protestors are walking around with him.
People from PETA, Friends of Animals and the Hitler Youth USA Fund for Animal Compassion(How the fuck did they get in there?!) are walking to the entrance of the TD Bank Garden(which also doubles up as the North Station commuter rail) passing out flyers about cruelty against animals in the circus.
"You've got blood on your hands!" one of the protestors says.
"Fuck you!" one of the ladies with several children in tow says to him.
"Anybody selling tickets?" a scalper says as he watches passers by going into the arena.
"Fuck you, asswipe!" a man with a 3 month old baby and a 3 year old daughter says to him.
"Don't you call me that!" the man replies. But before he can connect with his foe, the guy's into the train station. He calls out again, "Anybody selling tickets?"
"Don't go in there!" another protester shouts. "They're killing animals in there!"
"Magic wands on sale!" an elderly lady in fairy costume says near another entrance. "Arm thyself with magic! Only $12.95, half price for what you'd pay in the Garden. Give yourself a treat and save money!"
"Sieg Heil!" one of the Hitler Youth members shouts to a passerby.
"Butt out, ya fuckin' Nazi!" the lady says to him. This angers the young man and he races to attack the lady, but gets hit by a truck pulling out of the parking lot. Within seconds, the other protestors race to his rescue, but he refuses their help. One of them calls for an ambulance.
As the protesters break off to help one of their fallen comrades, the other Hitler Youth members hottail it out of there before they get caught by the cops. But 2 dozen of Boston's Finest(yeah, right!) surround them and arrest them on the spot. As for the man who got hit, he's pronounced dead at the scene.
"Serves that Nazi rght!" the fairy says as she helps out a customer.
After a brief memorial service, the protesters return to their assignment. Most of the patrons ignore it, but a few look at their flyers and head home. Although they know the kids will be disappointed, they believe that animal welfare is more important than paying for cruel enterainment.
"Arm thyself with magic!" the fairy yells as she continues selling her wands. "Save yourself a ton of money!"
"Do you take credit cards?" a potential customer asks.
"No," the lady says. And the man storms away angry and agitated. Meanwhile, several people who were met by the protesters have just come out of the show.
"I hope you enjoyed all that violence!" one of the protesters shouts.
"Fuck off!" a woman with 3 kids says to him in reply.
To be continued..
The circus is here! Hurray!
Lions! Tigers! Elephants! Clowns!
Cruelty to animals! Accidents galore!
Daring young fools on the flying trapeeze!
No nets and they're dead
like the livid of yore!
Do you really want to go to this show?
I think not!"
Yep, he's outside the North Station T stop again. For the past 2 decades, he has been protesting the Jingaling Circus, the Happiest Show in Town. As he walks around and sings his song, he carries a sign that says, "This circus treats animals like shit!" Up until a few years ago, he was alone. But now, nearly a dozen protestors are walking around with him.
People from PETA, Friends of Animals and the Hitler Youth USA Fund for Animal Compassion(How the fuck did they get in there?!) are walking to the entrance of the TD Bank Garden(which also doubles up as the North Station commuter rail) passing out flyers about cruelty against animals in the circus.
"You've got blood on your hands!" one of the protestors says.
"Fuck you!" one of the ladies with several children in tow says to him.
"Anybody selling tickets?" a scalper says as he watches passers by going into the arena.
"Fuck you, asswipe!" a man with a 3 month old baby and a 3 year old daughter says to him.
"Don't you call me that!" the man replies. But before he can connect with his foe, the guy's into the train station. He calls out again, "Anybody selling tickets?"
"Don't go in there!" another protester shouts. "They're killing animals in there!"
"Magic wands on sale!" an elderly lady in fairy costume says near another entrance. "Arm thyself with magic! Only $12.95, half price for what you'd pay in the Garden. Give yourself a treat and save money!"
"Sieg Heil!" one of the Hitler Youth members shouts to a passerby.
"Butt out, ya fuckin' Nazi!" the lady says to him. This angers the young man and he races to attack the lady, but gets hit by a truck pulling out of the parking lot. Within seconds, the other protestors race to his rescue, but he refuses their help. One of them calls for an ambulance.
As the protesters break off to help one of their fallen comrades, the other Hitler Youth members hottail it out of there before they get caught by the cops. But 2 dozen of Boston's Finest(yeah, right!) surround them and arrest them on the spot. As for the man who got hit, he's pronounced dead at the scene.
"Serves that Nazi rght!" the fairy says as she helps out a customer.
After a brief memorial service, the protesters return to their assignment. Most of the patrons ignore it, but a few look at their flyers and head home. Although they know the kids will be disappointed, they believe that animal welfare is more important than paying for cruel enterainment.
"Arm thyself with magic!" the fairy yells as she continues selling her wands. "Save yourself a ton of money!"
"Do you take credit cards?" a potential customer asks.
"No," the lady says. And the man storms away angry and agitated. Meanwhile, several people who were met by the protesters have just come out of the show.
"I hope you enjoyed all that violence!" one of the protesters shouts.
"Fuck off!" a woman with 3 kids says to him in reply.
To be continued..
Monday, April 27, 2009
YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THIS BLOG EXISTS?!
You're wondering why this blog exists? Well, let me explain.
I've been a fan of the Mass. Bay Transit Authority for years; in fact, I took 3 marathon joy rides on the T in the Lenten season of 1972! So I know just about the whole system. And when my parents called the cops on me, I really got in trouble. In fact, the last time I was caught on the T, the cop who caught me threatened to sic his attack dog on me.
Boy, was I frightened! And so were my parents, who sent me to bed without supper that time.
So here I am, coming out of Downtown Crossing(a.k.a. Washington Street), looking at a poster promoting the "Uncle George & Diane" season premiere saying "For Years, they've made you laugh. On September 22nd., they break your heart!" That's because the title couple are getting a divorce to start the series' fifth season. While Paul & Jamie were able to reconcile, this marriage is on the rocks. Especially since their series has never been able to crack the top 10 in the ratings. (Especially since their marriage was arranged by a financier!)
Anyway, the first time I took a joy ride on the T, I was carrying a gallon of milk in my hand, which I'd brought at the local grocery and was to have taken it home. It went with me all night. And when I finally got home, Mom and Dad were flabbergasted! (But that's for another day!)
The second time, I was on for 14 hours before I got a cab ride home from a guy who took me to the wrong house, before I forced him into the right address.
And the third time, that bully cop picked me up and took me to Dudley Square where he threatened to use his attack dog on me. Mom argued with the guy and took me home. I learned a tough lesson on how to get in trouble with the law.
I hear that they want to cut out weekend commuter rail service and cut back on the T itself on nights and weekend. If that happens, what'll happen to my joyrides?
I've been a fan of the Mass. Bay Transit Authority for years; in fact, I took 3 marathon joy rides on the T in the Lenten season of 1972! So I know just about the whole system. And when my parents called the cops on me, I really got in trouble. In fact, the last time I was caught on the T, the cop who caught me threatened to sic his attack dog on me.
Boy, was I frightened! And so were my parents, who sent me to bed without supper that time.
So here I am, coming out of Downtown Crossing(a.k.a. Washington Street), looking at a poster promoting the "Uncle George & Diane" season premiere saying "For Years, they've made you laugh. On September 22nd., they break your heart!" That's because the title couple are getting a divorce to start the series' fifth season. While Paul & Jamie were able to reconcile, this marriage is on the rocks. Especially since their series has never been able to crack the top 10 in the ratings. (Especially since their marriage was arranged by a financier!)
Anyway, the first time I took a joy ride on the T, I was carrying a gallon of milk in my hand, which I'd brought at the local grocery and was to have taken it home. It went with me all night. And when I finally got home, Mom and Dad were flabbergasted! (But that's for another day!)
The second time, I was on for 14 hours before I got a cab ride home from a guy who took me to the wrong house, before I forced him into the right address.
And the third time, that bully cop picked me up and took me to Dudley Square where he threatened to use his attack dog on me. Mom argued with the guy and took me home. I learned a tough lesson on how to get in trouble with the law.
I hear that they want to cut out weekend commuter rail service and cut back on the T itself on nights and weekend. If that happens, what'll happen to my joyrides?
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