DON'T WORRY! JUST FART!

"Here's a litte song I wrote!
You don't want to
learn it note for note.
Don't worry!
Just fart!"

I was just getting off my train at Quincy Center when I saw a bunch of guys dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Pampers!" It struck me then that the financial firm I used to work for, Pelligrini Investments, 10 years ago, they asked all the men to dress up as Dan Cupid for Valentine's Day. The people at Pampers sent a good chunk of us guys a pair of their diapers and a "Be My Valentine" sash.
I guess it all started when our HR director at the time, Mrs. Clausen, came into the mail area where I worked and said, "The Company has set the theme for Valentine's Day. The men are coming in dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders."
This got me pretty upset and some of the guys started teasing me. I recoiled at the thought of going into work half naked on Valentine's Day. And sure enough, the following Wednesday, the company had sent a package with the pair of Pampers and the sash over. I was so disgusted I threw it into the trash and called in sick that day. I thought they were kidding, but when I saw that box, I found they were serious about it.
I was called into the office and the boss canned me as a result. Fortunately, I got a job two weeks later with the accounting firm I'm employed at today. Well, my rejecting this "theme for Valentine's Day" was well founded. The stock market lost 855 points that day, and the fact that Pelligrini Investments male employees were dressed as Dan Cupid caused the meltdown. The ladies, incidentally, were dressed in flowing Greek robes, portraying them as Greek Goddesses. I won't explain that part of the story...yet!

I didn't say a word to them as I passed them by. I scoffed what they were doing and walked out to the bus platform. As I got on the bus to the South Shore Plaza, a bunch of drunks got off at the back door. It was apparent they'd been drinking after work while waiting for their bus ride home. Now here they were throwing up all over the platform and making people recoil in horror.
The bus trip to the plaza was uneventful, to begin with....

To be continued.

Meanwhile, back on the satellite....

ATTENTION, PASSENGERS!

"Attention, passengers! The next inbound train to Alewife DOES NOT take customers. Please stand back from the Yellow Line."
Shit!
And with that I remember one time when I walked into Shawmut Station waiting for my train to Park Street. And I heard a sinister voice saying, "Hell Bound Train Arriving!" Everybody scrambled away from the platform as a train that was black as ink and filled with flames passed through the station. We could hear the sounds of screaming people in torment. After it left Shawmut, some of us felt fear in our eyes.
"What was that?" I asked one of the commuters.
"It's called the 'Hell Bound Train,'" he explained. "It's a phantom train that passes through this station so often."
"Why's it called the 'Hell Bound Train' anyway?" I asked him.
"30 years ago," the commuter said, "a group of girls from a Catholic high school were on the train when a group of boys from a public school jumped them. They assaulted them and tortured them in every possible way. Once they were finished, they threw the girls out onto the opposite track, where they were run over by the outbound train."
"Wow!"
"In between stations," the commuter continued, "the train started showing sparks and eventually became hot. The boys were the only ones on the train, and suddenly, the car they were on caught fire. Nobody else was on the train but them. They tried to get out, but suddenly, the car was surrounded by flames, killing them."
"My God!"
"And that's why the Hell Bound Train comes through at various times throughout the day," my friend concluded. "It's to remind those who have evil thoughts against women to see what will happen to them if they carry their intentions out."
Unbelievable! As I heard the words "Inbound train arriving," I wondered if I would ever encounter that "Hell Bound Train" again. I haven't seen it since...so far.
To be continued...

PROTEST AT THE CIRCUS!

"The circus is here to stay!
The circus is here! Hurray!
Lions! Tigers! Elephants! Clowns!
Cruelty to animals! Accidents galore!
Daring young fools on the flying trapeeze!
No nets and they're dead
like the livid of yore!
Do you really want to go to this show?
I think not!"

Yep, he's outside the North Station T stop again. For the past 2 decades, he has been protesting the Jingaling Circus, the Happiest Show in Town. As he walks around and sings his song, he carries a sign that says, "This circus treats animals like shit!" Up until a few years ago, he was alone. But now, nearly a dozen protestors are walking around with him.
People from PETA, Friends of Animals and the Hitler Youth USA Fund for Animal Compassion(How the fuck did they get in there?!) are walking to the entrance of the TD Bank Garden(which also doubles up as the North Station commuter rail) passing out flyers about cruelty against animals in the circus.
"You've got blood on your hands!" one of the protestors says.
"Fuck you!" one of the ladies with several children in tow says to him.
"Anybody selling tickets?" a scalper says as he watches passers by going into the arena.
"Fuck you, asswipe!" a man with a 3 month old baby and a 3 year old daughter says to him.
"Don't you call me that!" the man replies. But before he can connect with his foe, the guy's into the train station. He calls out again, "Anybody selling tickets?"
"Don't go in there!" another protester shouts. "They're killing animals in there!"
"Magic wands on sale!" an elderly lady in fairy costume says near another entrance. "Arm thyself with magic! Only $12.95, half price for what you'd pay in the Garden. Give yourself a treat and save money!"
"Sieg Heil!" one of the Hitler Youth members shouts to a passerby.
"Butt out, ya fuckin' Nazi!" the lady says to him. This angers the young man and he races to attack the lady, but gets hit by a truck pulling out of the parking lot. Within seconds, the other protestors race to his rescue, but he refuses their help. One of them calls for an ambulance.

As the protesters break off to help one of their fallen comrades, the other Hitler Youth members hottail it out of there before they get caught by the cops. But 2 dozen of Boston's Finest(yeah, right!) surround them and arrest them on the spot. As for the man who got hit, he's pronounced dead at the scene.
"Serves that Nazi rght!" the fairy says as she helps out a customer.

After a brief memorial service, the protesters return to their assignment. Most of the patrons ignore it, but a few look at their flyers and head home. Although they know the kids will be disappointed, they believe that animal welfare is more important than paying for cruel enterainment.
"Arm thyself with magic!" the fairy yells as she continues selling her wands. "Save yourself a ton of money!"
"Do you take credit cards?" a potential customer asks.
"No," the lady says. And the man storms away angry and agitated. Meanwhile, several people who were met by the protesters have just come out of the show.
"I hope you enjoyed all that violence!" one of the protesters shouts.
"Fuck off!" a woman with 3 kids says to him in reply.

To be continued..

YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THIS BLOG EXISTS?!

You're wondering why this blog exists? Well, let me explain.
I've been a fan of the Mass. Bay Transit Authority for years; in fact, I took 3 marathon joy rides on the T in the Lenten season of 1972! So I know just about the whole system. And when my parents called the cops on me, I really got in trouble. In fact, the last time I was caught on the T, the cop who caught me threatened to sic his attack dog on me.
Boy, was I frightened! And so were my parents, who sent me to bed without supper that time.

So here I am, coming out of Downtown Crossing(a.k.a. Washington Street), looking at a poster promoting the "Uncle George & Diane" season premiere saying "For Years, they've made you laugh. On September 22nd., they break your heart!" That's because the title couple are getting a divorce to start the series' fifth season. While Paul & Jamie were able to reconcile, this marriage is on the rocks. Especially since their series has never been able to crack the top 10 in the ratings. (Especially since their marriage was arranged by a financier!)

Anyway, the first time I took a joy ride on the T, I was carrying a gallon of milk in my hand, which I'd brought at the local grocery and was to have taken it home. It went with me all night. And when I finally got home, Mom and Dad were flabbergasted! (But that's for another day!)
The second time, I was on for 14 hours before I got a cab ride home from a guy who took me to the wrong house, before I forced him into the right address.
And the third time, that bully cop picked me up and took me to Dudley Square where he threatened to use his attack dog on me. Mom argued with the guy and took me home. I learned a tough lesson on how to get in trouble with the law.

I hear that they want to cut out weekend commuter rail service and cut back on the T itself on nights and weekend. If that happens, what'll happen to my joyrides?

INTO THE TUNNEL!

As the T closed down for the night on Christmas Eve, a man dressed as Santa Claus was walking through the subway tunnel. A cold wind blew outside as the snow was turning to rain in the Boston area. They'd originally predicted a foot of snow in the Boston/South Shore area, but the storm was coming over Boston instead of staying off the Cape, as it was originally predicted to do.

Johnny-not his real name-was looking for a man who'd raped and murdered his sister the previous night. The decedent was at South Station, waiting for the train back to Alewife. She was carrying a number of bags full of Christmas presents for the family. As the train was announced, 3 punks jumped her, beat her up, and threw her in front of an oncoming train before stealing all her presents. The girl was unable to get out of the way before it crossed over her, severely injuring her.

"Someone's under the train!" the distraught conductor shouted as the train came to a halt. Meanwhile, inside a passageway, 2 other punks-not related to the 3 involved-came onto the platform and waited. The station officials were unable to pull the suffering girl out from under the train, so it had to pull out of the station so that medical personnel could come to her attention.

As the train pulled out, the punks jumped onto the track and carried her into a nearby passageway. There they raped her and jumped on her before shooting her 3 times. Nobody found the murderers, but the corpse was fresh when it was found an hour later. Scores of stunned commuters reported the horrible incident to the T police, but they couldn't find her assailants.

Naturally, when Johnny was told of her death, he went ballistic. As his family was making funeral arrangements that afternoon, he stole a gun from a gun shop without being caught by anyone, then walked down the street and sneaked into a nearby costume shop. Once inside, he slipped into an old Santa suit and sneaked out without being noticed. Now, he was walking into the tunnel, looking for the five punks who'd killed his sister.

He found them sitting around a charcoal fire in a secret passageway. "Murderers!" he screamed as he shot over a dozen bullets into them, sending them sprawling into the fire that they'd prepared. Because he was wearing gloves, there would be no DNA to trace his act. He stuffed the gun into one of the punks he'd shot and took off into the night. As he emerged into the station, a T police officer shouted "Freeze!"

Without answering, Johnny sped out of the station and into the tunnel. The T cop ran after him and shouted, "Stop or I'll Shoot!" Dodging the bullets from the inspector's gun, Johnny ran down the tunnel and into Downtown Crossing, where a train was being detained for a schedule adjustment. Scrambling onto the platform, he ran into the train just as the conductor was saying, "Thank you for your patience; this Braintree bound train will be moving out." As the train sped out of the station, the cop, accompanied by two others, ran up to the platform only to see the train headed into the tunnel.

Backtracking into the tunnel, the inspectors saw blood flowing out of the dark room. Sneaking into the passageway, he and his comrades saw the three punks lying with gunshots all over them. The inspector called for an ambulance and more back-up. After about 5 minutes, one of the Boston City Hospital ambulances that were in the neighborhood came over to Park Street and went down into the Red Line tunnel. All 3 of the youths were pronounced dead at the scene by the EMTs who responded to his call.

"This is Inspector 227," the cop barked into his walkie talkie. "Everybody be on the lookout for a 25-year-old male. He's wanted for the murders of 3 men inside the tunnel between Park Street and Downtown Crossing. He is completely dangerous; he's dressed as Santa Claus. Be on the lookout and arrest him!"

Of course, by the time that the train got to North Quincy station, Johnny had gotten rid of the Santa suit and thrown it into a trash can before disappearing again into the night. At last, he thought, my sister can rest in peace. By the time he'd gotten home, everybody had gone to sleep.

To be continued....

Around 4 a.m., the door at Johnny's house was busted down by several Quincy Police and Transit Police officers. They found Johnny asleep and picked him up.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Johnny yelled.
"Let's go, asshole!" one of the Quincy cops shouted. "You're coming with us!"
"What did I do?" Johnny asked.
"You shot and killed 3 homeless guys in the subway tonight!" one of the T cops shouted.
"They deserved to die!" Johnny screamed. "They killed my sister! After they jumped her, they killed her!"
"Well, two wrongs don't make a...." the Quincy cop said when his parents came in.
"What seems to be the problem?" Johnny's father said.
"Your son shot and killed those 3 suspects we had in your daughters murder," the T cop said.
"What were you thinking, you stupid ass?" Johnny's father shouted.
"I had to kill them!" Johnny said.
"Take him away!" his father shouted, bursting into tears.
"Please, Dad!" Johnny screamed, his voice choked by sobbing.
"You broke the law!" Johnny's mother said. "You have to pay the price!"
"Let's go, dickhead!" the Quincy cop shouted as they dragged him outside.
"Mom! Dad!" Johnny was heard screaming.
"I don't ever want to see you, or speak to you, again, Johnny!" his father screamed.  "Never, ever again!"
Both parents cried for over an hour.  They cried themselves to sleep and awoke around 7 a.m.
"I never thought he'd try a thing like that," Johnny's father said.
"Why, Pat?" his mother asked. "Why would he do such a thing?"
"I guess it was the news that those punks had killed his sister that made him do it," his father said.

Eventually, he would charged with capital murder and convicted. However, because of the fact that they'd killed a cop earlier in the evening, he'd get out on appeal.
But-that's a story for another day.

To be continued....

ATTENTION, CUSTOMERS!

"Attention, Customers! Due to an earlier disabled train, as well as a switching problem at Harvard Square, we are experiencing severe delays in service. We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If you're late for work, however, we hope you get fired!"
"What the fuck does T management think they are?" one of the riders snarled on the platform at Wollaston station as the rain turned to ice, and then to snow, on a cold late November morning-the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, to be exact.
"I don't know what to tell ya," one of the passengers said as the Silver Bird train came into the station. The large crowd ran onto the train the minute the doors opened. Several people gave up their seats to allow the seniors and the pregnant ladies in the crowd to sit down. Many leaned against the door-a no no according to the T's rules-as it closed up. The train sped away.

At North Quincy Station, several dozen more people crushed into the train.
"Watch the doors, please!" the conductor shouted. "There's no more room on this train! There are several more trains behind us. Watch the doors; the doors will be closing."
"Stand by, please!" the station master on the platform shouted. "Stand by!"
The doors re-opened and the master said, "Ladies and gentlemen, this Boston bound train will be standing by for an undetermined time, owing to the earlier disabled train, and the ongoing signal problem in Harvard Square. We do apologize for any inconvenience this may cause!"
"That sucks!" the conductor on the train shouted. The train stood by for nearly 10 minutes while a few more people got packed into the train "like a can of sardines," as someone once said. This caused quite a few of them to finally get out and wait for the next train.  After another 2 minutes, the station master said, "Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for your patience. This Boston bound train will be moving out."
The train finally sped out of North Quincy Station on its way to Boston. Unfortunately, as it was half way over the bridge that spanned the Neponset River, it fell off the tracks and plunged into the cold river. People didn't have time to react before it hit the water. It sank within seconds, killing more than 300 passengers. Only about 40 or 50 made it out.

"Attention, customers!" the voice on the intercom said. "Due to a tragic accident on the bridge outside of North Quincy Station, the Braintree branch of the Red Line is closed indefinitely. Shuttle buses will be operating between JFK-UMass station and Braintree station. Those people wishing to assist in rescue and recovery operations please take the Red Line to JFK-UMass station, where you'll be shuttled to the site."
As it was to be discovered, several inches of ice had accumulated the minutes after the rain had turned to ice. This meant very slippery conditions on the track itself. Somehow, the train had hit an icepack and had gone off the track. Before anyone had time to react, they were toast.
Those who did escape suffered from hypothermia and had to be taken to area hospitals.

To be continued...

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN!

This past weekend, as Hurricane Ike was causing pain along the Texas coast, another tragic train accident occured with the same cause-the engineer texting a message on his cell phone(and getting killed in the process). This time, it was a Metroliner train in Los Angeles colliding with a freight train. Over 20 people are dead, hundreds are injured(many of them seriously), and millions of dollars in damage has resulted.
This really breaks my heart to say this: those in charge of trains have to keep their minds on what they're doing. If they're transporting cattle, freight or people, they can't spend time texting or talking on a cell phone. This past summer, we heard about a woman who was killed while driving a T trolley because she was chatting on a cell phone.
When you are driving or operating machinery, you have to think about the task you're doing at that moment. You don't have time to chat or text on your cell. That's for before or after you're doing your task, not while you're doing it. Because when you are distracted by what's on your phone, you could get yourself in trouble. And you could end up taking a lot of people with you either to the hospital or the grave.
Think about it, won't you?