THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG POST IN 8 YEARS!

        Hi, folks.  I’m Richard Clifford.

You’ll never guess what happened to me this past Holiday season.  I’ve been suffering from spinal stenosis, a lumber condition.  I don’t know it’s caused, but I’ve had it a lot.

I was suffering from back pain all through the year of 2023.  In fact, I had 3 falls during the year that caused pain in my back.  My weight was a horrible cause to it.  It didn’t get worse until the Monday before Thanksgiving, when I had severe back pain.  I was hurting so bad that I couldn’t do my rehabilitation appointment at the physical therapist up the street.

The next morning, I collapsed on my legs and couldn’t walk.  I ended up on the floor and had to call 911 in order to get me to the hospital.  The doctor examined me and told my I had lumbar radiculopathy, which is pain which radiates along the sciatic nerves.  It can be caused by herniated discs or bone spurs on the spine that radiates down the back of the leg.

They sent me home, but I had an impossible time walking down the stairs-I had to climb down them-and crawling into my room.  The doctors didn’t do crap, so I had to call 911 again and bring the paramedics back.  They decided to get me some medication, which they brought back to my house.  But when I tried to take it, I was back on the floor.

I called my siblings again and they were upset that I’d been sent back home without their doing anything.  Once again, the paramedics came, and this time, I went back to the hospital.  It was a very sick morning.

Anyway, I was in the hospital all through the Thanksgiving holiday.  I couldn’t get much help during the weekend because everyone was off.  I had my cellphone on me, and people were calling me left and right to talk with everyone.

While I was in the emergency room, I listened to a girl who was having problems with the nurse.  She was screaming “I’m telling the truth” over and over again.  Meanwhile, Peggy was trying to get a room for me somewhere out of the ER.  I was having trouble with the noises and sounds of the machines going all over the place.

So Thanksgiving comes along and I’m still in the hospital.  I felt alone and bereft.  When they arranged for me to have an X-ray and an MRI, I couldn’t stand up; my legs were buckling under me, so they had to do them with me lying down.  They finally told me that I had spinal stenosis, which is sciatica on my spine.

I couldn’t stand up on my legs because I felt pain in my back.  I needed to take a lot of medications for my back.  And all during that time, I was suffering a lot.  I missed the Thanksgiving holiday with my family and felt really sad.

Patrice had offered to take me in for the holiday, but she was suffering from back pain herself.  “I can’t hold on to you if you fall,” she said.  That weekend was a tough one.  If my sister and brother-in-law Peggy and Bob hadn’t visited, I’d have fallen apart.

IF YOU WANNA GO AROUND BOSTON! BY MBTAAAAA!...

...You just get information from Mr. Charlie H. Martin!

SFX: Cheers!

"CHARLIE H. MARTIN!  INSPECTOR OF THE D.L.T.!  DIRECTOR OF THE MBTA!  KING OF ALL TRAINS!"

WHO is this man of knowledge?!

No one knows, but one thing is certain...he knows all the routes by heart!  And his web page is filled with traffic each day.

If you ever get lost, you just ask Mr. Charlie H. Martin!

SFX: Cheers!

"There shall be
a coronation today!"

"Cinderellabration!  Lights Of Romance!  Take the T to Walt Disney World Days!"

IF YOU WANT GO TO AROUND THE UNITED STATES BY TRAIN....

..YOU just ask Mr. Charlie H. Martin

SFX: What the hell is this?

THE T IS IN DEBT!

Can you believe that the T is $7 billion in debt?  Why's that?  That's a good question!  I must say that considering the problems I had last year, I think that it's going to have a hard time earning people's trust.  The T was closed for several days during last year's series of snowstorms.  I had to burn some P.T.O., but when my supervisor got wind of it, she was really bull.

She told me that I had to suck it up and make the best of it.  It took me more than 3 hours to get to work on the first time I attempted a commute, and it took 3 hours to get home.  But with over 100 inches of snow last winter, I needed patience to get to and from work. 

Since this past spring, the T has had to do extensive track repairs to keep the subway going.  And it's only gonna get worse as winter comes back to haunt us.

What's next?  Bankruptcy?  I hear that they may want to privatize some of the lines.  Give me a break!

To be continued....

JINGLE BELLS! HITLER SMELLS!

As I was on the Alewife train yesterday, I was listening to the computer intercom saying "Entering...South Station.  Change here for the commuter rail."  Suddenly, someone near the door was singing:

"Jingle Bells!  Hitler smells!
Goering is a gay!
Eva Braun is a man
and all of them have AIDS!
Hey!"

"What the fuck did you say?" someone sitting down said.

"You heard me!  Hitler smells!" the guy replied.

"You fuck...you're dead!" the man yelled, rising from his seat and lunging at him with a switchblade.  At almost the last minute, his intended victim leapt out of the way, causing his assailant to crack through the window and fall into the opposite track where he landed on the third rail head first.  As he fell onto the ground, his body was run over by a train going Southbound."

As the train doors opened at South Station, the guy bolted out with the rest of the crowd while the conductor shouted over the speakers, "Ladies and gentlemen, please spread out and use all the doors.  Let's not bunch up in the middle two cars.  If you can't fit into this train, please stand behind the yellow line.  There's a train one minute behind of us.  If you're leaving us here, look around yourselves now and gather up all your belongings.  Let's make sure you're not leaving anything behind you, please!"

Suddenly, there was screaming from the Southbound platform  as they yelled, "There's a man under the train!"  Since the train was running express to JFK UMass, it continued without stopping.  When it had departed the station, it showed the man with his body cut in half and blood all over the track.  At that moment, the conductor shouted, "Ladies and gentlemen, please exit the car.  There's been a man run over on the opposite track. We have to close the station down.  All out, please.  No passengers; this train's coming out of service."

Almost instantly, the train emptied out with people stampeding upon each other.  A drunk was watching the spectacle and yelling "More booze!" Suddenly, scores of robots looking like the man who was killed came out of the corpse yelling, "You destroyed pure Nazism!  You have a sin on your soul!"  Most of them were run over by the crowd that was leaving the station.

Meanwhile, a guy was walking around Symphony Hall when he saw a throne on the stage.  He sat down on it and thought for a while.  Suddenly, the curtain opened and he saw hundreds of people sitting in the stands.

Almost instantly, a spotlight came on and covered him with blinding light.  A timpani began to play and another spotlight came on, showing a man with a crown in his hands.

"Indispensable knowledge of all trains!" the man shouted.  "I proudly crown thee, Mr. Charley H. Martin!"  And as he put the crown on his head, a gallon of water came out of it and soaked him.

"I'm getting the fuck outta here!" the man shouted and bolted off the stage.

"No, wait, Charley!" the man shouted.  "They love you!  They want to know..."

But the man was gone, so the other man turned to the audience.  "Well," he said, "that was Charley H. Martin.  Indispensable knowledge of all trains.  If you'd like more information, you can contact...."

"Yeah, and of jerkin' off, too!" someone in the audience shouted.

"What?" the compere said.

"He was jerking off!"

To be continued...(Yeah, right!)

MEANWHILE BACK AT HARVARD....

Meanwhile, I just got off the train at Harvard Stadium and I'm walking through the Yard, but I have to stop for the procession of graduates walking through it.  Because this is the day of the Harvard Graduation.  I'm told to move out of the yard, since this is a ticketed event for the grads and their family.

As I walk out of the yard, I watch the ceremony play out.  The invocation is given by the pastor of St. Paul's Catholic Church, the Latin oration is read by given by a 22 year old lady from Germany, a Greek oration is given by a Canadian young man, a Hebrew oration follows by a Jewish girl from Tokyo, and of course there are the 2 English addresses.  There's all kinds of hooting and hollering during each address as the people listen attentively and cheer the orators.

As I arrive at my hot dog stand, I watch lots of people watching the ceremony on an Ultra High Definition TV with a choir singing a selection by the Hebrew orator from Japan.  Seconds after they finish, a group of Japanese give a cheer for their country woman.

And with that comes the conferral of degrees, which is symbolic in nature(the actual diplomas are given during luncheons at the various schools and residence houses later on).  Meanwhile, I'm selling hot dogs in the square(thank God for communications).  In addition to the feed, it's being broadcast on cable across New England and on the web around the world.

The first honorary degree is a pro-life advocate who uses plants as an alternative to embyonic stem cells for research into neurological diseases.  Most of the people boo him while others give him a "three cheers" over many times.  Another is a Norweigan composer whose Requiem for a Princess was used during Cardinal Sean's recent Pontificial Requiem Mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross.  Others include a decorated war hero from the Persian Gulf War, the President of the Gaelic Athletic Association of Ireland, the Archbishop of Detroit(who recently went against Church teaching and called for same sex marriage in his city's Catholic churches), and the producer of the year's multi-Oscar winning movie about the Battle of Armageddon.

"That rotten bastard!" a customer says.

"The man who created the Armageddon film?" I ask.

"No," he tells me, "the Archbishop of Detroit.  How dare he spit on his own Church teaching and announcing that he rejoices in 'equal marriage,' which is supposed to be a non-negotiable issue for us Catholics."  He watches the crowd booing as the Archbishop receives his honorary degree.  "You oughta be excommunicated!" the man shouts at the Ultra HDTV.

I smile at his comment.

To be continued...

TIED TO THE TRACKS!

"Are you going to rape me, Miss Utada?" Anthy Hashimoto said in a quivering voice as Miko Utada tied her wrists behind her back?"

"Are you kidding?" Miko said.  "I've been wanting to paint a portrait of you in danger.  I'm just saving time by taking photos of you here."  They were at an abandoned railroad track just off the Old Colony commuter rail fine in Plymouth.  Anthy was dressed in her her white dress with Miko dressed in her sweat suit, which she slipped out of, revealing a red tee shirt and a dark blue pleated skirt.

Anthy winced as Miko wrapped the rope around her torso and tied it just above her elbows.  She then laid her on the track before tying her knees and ankles together.  Once she was secured, Miko took out her digital camera and started taking photos of her.

"Help!" Anthy cried as she squirmed.  "Help!"  As she squirmed, her dress moved up her legs, revealing a black pair of panties, which were wet, since her bladder had broke during the photos shoot.

"Hold it!" a voice shouted.

It was someone from the T Police.  "What the fuck are you two doing?"

"I'm taking pictures of my friend," Miko said, "because I'm trying to do a painting called 'Tied To The Tracks.'"

"Not here you won't," the cop said.  "Take off both of you before I have you arrested for trespassing."

"Don't worry," Anthy smiled as Miko picked her up.  "We got all the photos we need.  Bye."

The cop watched as they disappeared down the street.

"Okay, Miko, your turn," Anthy said as they arrived at the beach.  Miko sat down while her hands were wrenched and tied together by Anthy, who was still tied up at the moment.  She used the rest of the long coil to wrap around her torso.  After that, she crossed her ankles and bound them in a tight fashion.

"Hey," Miko said, "you didn't give me a chance to untie you."

"Well," Anthy smiled, "I wanna do this with both hands tied behind my back."  She started taking a photo shoot while Milo squirmed.  "Help me," she said.  "Help me!  Help!  Help!"  Her skirt rode up her thighs, revealing her white panties.

"That's enough," a voice said.  It was one of those Plymouth cops.  "How many times do I have to tell you ladies?  No weird sex on the beach!"

"We don't mean no harm," Miko replied.  "We're just trying to do some photos."

"Well, do it at home," the cop said.  Anthy untied Miko's ankles and they both ran off the beach and back up the street.

"Well, Anthy," Miko said, "it's getting to be that you just can't make a kinky living."

"Well, Miss Miko," Anthy said, "not much you can do about that."  They went back to their cottage where they started developing their photos.  And they were still tied up, if you can believe it."

THE MARCH OF THE TOYS!

There were about 200 men and women dressed in doll outfits marching to a recording of "No Motherland Without You" playing on a large jukebox that was leading the way through the streets of Harvard Square in Cambridge.  The music playing was supplied by the North Korean State Radio and Television Symphony  Orchestra, as well as the North Korean Armed Forces Military Chorus.  Lots of people were watching the charade on the streets.
"Fucking Communists!" one of the people shouted.
"How come?" someone nearby him asked.
"Because they're playing that Kim Jong Il song," the man who yelled at the parade said.  "Those DPRK asswipes play that song for hours on end."
"I thought Kim Jong Il was dead," the other replied.
"Well," the man replied, "they wanna keep the guy's memory alive."

A lot of the children who were watching this were surprised at this and they asked their moms and dads what the meaning of the parade was.  They couldn't answer them honestly.
"Everybody step in time!" the drill master shouted.

At the same time, the Globe Santa had set up their booth outside the Harvard Square T station; they were ready to raise some money for their Christmas campaign.  Just then, someone was coming out of the station shouting, "Bah, humbug!"  They knew it was a Scrooge like person walking into the holiday shoppers that were walking aroundl, trying to cause trouble.
"Bah, humbug!" he shouted. "This whole nonsense is a fraud."
"Merry Christmas, sir," a child bravely wished Scroogel
"Bah, humbug!" the man shouted and stormmed off.  Suddenly, someone in the one of the floats threw a bottle of beer in his head, causing him to bleed profusely.
"Sick ass!" he shouted.
"Get the fuck off me!" the man shouted as the T attendants tried to assist him, so they subdued him and brought him to a nearby office.  Minutes later, an ambulance bore him out of the station.

He wouldn't make it, unfortunately.  He was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.  And his soul was weighed down with the chains that he'd forged in his life.

The man who threw the bottle into the Scroogeian was picked up off of the float and taken to a police station near Central Square.  He told how he'd assaulted him earlier in the day as he was getting on his float.
"A likely story," the cop said.
"It's true," a young lady said coming into the station.  "I have the evidence here."
She showed to them a videotape of the incident when the man was attacked by the Scrooge-like person earlier in the day.  However, he couldn't be released immediately because he was being charged with manslaughter in the incident.  Eventually though, he ended up being released on his own recognizance.

His arraignment was set for the following day at 10 a.m.  He never showed up, though.  He was halfway to the Cayman Islands by then.

ANOTHER LIVE FEED FROM BOHEMIAN GROVE!

"Fellowship!
Upon the Altar Of Bohemia!"

Well, there it is, another Cremation of Care film airing live over the CBS Television Network's "The Late Night Dish."  After the dummy is burned, that ragtime band comes out and plays "A Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight," as it's been wont to do for a century or more.  For the first time, there's been a bank of hidden cameras capturing every moment.

"Capture The Moment."
"Afternoon."

UNDERGROUND! (Charlie's off the MTA!)

It's almost 1 a.m. in the morning.  As the wind blows outside on Boston Common, the rain has changed to snow and is becoming steadier and heavier. Heavy snow is now predicted for Boston with about 6 to 12 inches in the area. It started raining 3 hours ago, but now the winds have switched to the North and are increasing to 40 miles per hour.  I'm going into the T station at Park Street where I see a sign saying "Significant Cutbacks!"  The announcement continues with the news that all weekend commuter rail service will be ended next month, and that after March 1st., the T will only operate from 6 a.m. until 12 Midnight Monday through Fridays and 10 a.m. to 12 Midnight on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays.  (There will be no service on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day, as well as Easter Sunday.)
I'm pissed off!  The T's already $12 billion in debt and no one is making any money on the recent fare increases.  I feel like Charlie on the MTA thanks to those fare hikes...
"Look!  There's a corpse on the track!" I hear someone yelling.  I rush over to see that it's the bones of Charlie, the man who never got off the MTA because of not having the fare to get off the train.  Rumor says that he had just sneaked off the trolley here early today, only to get hit by another train going to Boston College.  So after 6 decades, Charlie's finally off the MTBA.

"Did he ever return?"  Nope.

Sucks, doesn't it?  On that tragic and faithful day 60 years ago, he'd handed in his dime at Kendall Square, but couldn't get off because of not having another nickel.  Poor Charlie.  He'd ridden for 6 decades on the T, and he is dead.

Meanwhile, as I get on the train, I feel troubled.  And I weep unashamedly, having seen what I've just described to you.

As I get to the Quincy Center Station, I wipe my tears and walk towards the exit.  I go inside the Nathan's Hot Dog store, which is now open all night during the week.  Inside, the TV is airing the CNN Election Night program.  I realize that it's Election Day here in the USA, and I went to cast my vote earlier today.  Anyway, I'm watching the results coming in from around the country.  And I see a chilling series of headlines coming up on the screen:
"VOTES TIED!"
"OBAMA AND ROMNEY 269 ELECTORAL VOTES APIECE!"
"POPULAR VOTE: 89,000,000 APIECE!"
"NO BALLOT YET FROM BETTIE BOOP!"
"SHE IS THE ONLY ONE IN SUFFOLK COUNTY, MASSACHUSETTS TO HAVE NOT VOTED!"
"HER VOTE WILL DECIDE THE ELECTION!"

Tbe last 215 bus to Ashmont left 2 hours ago, so I decide to get a taxi.  Thank goodness there's one coming up and no one's waiting.  Suddenly, I see a pair of legs appearing in a nearby trash can.  I shout to the cab driver, "Call the police!  There's a pair of legs in the trash can."  He calls 911 as he speeds off to take me home.

A few minutes later, the trash can is emptied, and what is found is a horrible sight.  There's a woman who's been all tied up for hours.  All tied up and a gag in her mouth.  And of course, there are third degree burns over 100% of her body.  She's quickly taken to the hospital for an autopsy.

The next morning, I learn that the charred body of Bettie Boop has been identified at Mass. General Hospital.  The details of her death are too gross to say at this time.  Anyway, that means the Electoral College must decide the outcome on January 2nd.  And once that's codified, it looks as if a runoff election will take place on January 8th.

WELCOME BACK, MY FRIENDS!

"Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!" Yeah, the MBTA is the show that never ends. From a quarter past 5 in the morning until around 12:30 a.m. each night, the T's subways, buses, trolleys and other vehicles run through the city above and below ground. And when they close at night, they have to do all kinds of construction and maintenance work. Now the South/North link was finally beginning construction. This was a nearly 2 mile tunnel that would link the seperate Amtrak and Mass Bay Commuter Rail's northern and southern networks.together and would provide seamless rail transporation between Canada and Florida. The tunnel had to be built out in the harbor, because the space underneath Downtown Crossing was being used for the Silver Line tunnel.

GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! PART 2!

There were fights breaking out all over the Plymouth Waterfront as the Jerry Lewis Terethon was showing a memorial tribute to a young naval officer who'd died from Lou Gherig's Disease 2 weeks earlier. His wife was weeping as she related the gory details of his death and how it took a toll on her family. After the film ended, Jerry introduced the now widowed lady who thanked all of the viewers for their support.

The Legion Bud Band had been chased on the stage after the Neo-Nazi attack. Now, a group of ladies with kazooes called The Tooting Tootsies were being booed off by the crowd. One of the ladies threw one of her kazooes into a cop.

Big mistake. The cop arrested her and charged her with assault.

You could have seen the number of people being arrested and brought into the police station in Plymouth over the entire afternoon. Meanwhile, a Pilgrim saw what was going on and mused, "Verily, the mob hath a legion of demons within them!" How many more would be brought in before the day was out?

A number of the protesters were arrested and charged with all kinds of charges from breaking and entering to destruction of property. But still, there were a few who made it back to the commuter rail for the train home. As the festivities continued on the waterfront, dozens more protesters started to come in and began to up the ante.

On the train back, the protesters felt really upset at what had happened during the day. They'd only wanted to protest Jerry Lewis's using of pity to raise money. What they'd done was cause a row, in which thousands had gotten hurt and many more had been arrested.

To be continued...

STOP THE ABORTION MANDATE!

I've kept silent on this for too long, but now I'm gonna shout it out! President Barack Obama is trying to ram through health care legislation that will force you and I to pay for abortions. That's right! Mr. Obama is trying to force the Freedom of Choice Act through so-called "health care reform!"

The new health care bill that's being gunned through Congress is being used to mandate "abortion coverage" with insurance companies being forced to provide insurance for abortion. And it would ration health care, especially towards seniors and persons with disabilities. We must stop Obama from legislating "The Culture of Death!" It is imperative that we speak out on this issue.

I've been listening to a "Stop The Abortion Mandate" webcast this evening, which is telling people about the FOCA legislation that Obama's trying to ram through our Congress.

Please take action on this by visiting http://www.StopTheAbortionMandate.com today for more information. Also, please contact your Congresspeople and Senators in the Congress today and tell them to have abortion excluded from any health care legislation.

I'm glad I didn't vote for President Obama in November, because I knew that he was going to pass this ridiculous bullshit! Yeah, the Democrats have, in the past, helped special needs children, advocated for health care for working families, and helped unions to protect workers' rights. But how can they help working families if they are going to ram through ridiculous legislation like this?

The ObamaCare abortion mandate would ration health care, forcing seniors and persons with disabilities to suffer in silence. It's up to people like you and me to speak up for those who are unable to speak for themselves. Please visit http://www.StopTheAbortionMandate.com and stop the assault on the dignity of human life.

Please pass this legislationt

HELLO, MISTER MORNING!

"HELLO, Mister Morning!
My favorite time of day!"
The scene is a Silver Bird train on the Red Line where a radio is blaring out a McDonald's commercial.
"Shut the fuck up!" someone says in the crowded Red Line train as it pulls out of Broadway Station on a rainy October morning."
"NEXT STOP," says the computer voice on the train.
"SOUTH STATION!" says another voice.
The train seems to stop every 30 seconds as it rambles through the tunnel before the conductor says over the intercom, "We have a disabled train ahead of us. We apologize for the delay."
"Bullshit!" another passenger yells before the train moves on again.
"ENTERING," the computer voice says.
"SOUTH STATION!" the other voice says. Then, in a more pleasant tone, "Change here for the Commuter Rail and the Silver Line, with service to Logan Airport."
And then the conductor chimes in, "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Hope everybody had a good night last night. This is South Station; change here for the commuter rail, Amtrak, Local Bus connections, the Silver Line and intercity buses. Look around yourselves now, gather up all your belongings and make sure you're leaving nothing behind you. Have a great day!"
As the crowd begins flowing out of the train, the conductor yells over the intercom, "We have a bound and nude body on the train. This train is coming out of service! All out, no passengers please."
At the other end of the train, there is screaming and yelling as people scramble out of the car, then everybody rushes out of the train. It's scary to see such a site, but a few minutes later, the nude body of a man who's bound and gagged is found in the last car.
Gross!

2 minutes later another train picks up the still shaken crowd and it continues to drop off its passengers-and pick up some more-as it runs through downtown before heading for Cambridge.
"ENTERING...CHARLES/MGH." the computer voice says before adding, "MASS GENERAL HOSPITAL."
"MASS EYE AND EAR INFIRMARY!" A woman's voice chimes in.
"LAWRENCE WELK MENTAL ASYLUM!" A third voice-this time male-adds. "HOME OF THE BIG BUN!" After a pause, he adds, "ROTTEN WORLD WIDE WRESTLING FEDERATION HEADQUARTERS! WHERE YA BOUGHT THE HAT!"

To be continued...

THE MARCH OF THE CUPIDS!

It was a cold, rainy Valentine's Day here in Boston. Over a dozen men were walking through the concurse of the Frasier Investments Building in 10 Post Office Square dressed in Pampers and dress shirts with little red sashes over their shoulders that said "Happy Valentine's Day from Frasier Investments." A lot of the clients visiting that day were so disgusted by this that they walked out of the building.  As they were marching through the concourse, they were all singing "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" and "Won't You Be My Valentine?"

Suddenly, several cars from the Boston Police Department sped into the square and a dozen cops entered the building.

"You're all under arrest for indecent exposure!" the head cop said. "You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be taken down and used against you as evidence."

One of the men pulled out a gun and shot the cop right in the jaw. Within seconds, the two factions started a gun battle which resulted in dozens of people being caught in the crossfire and getting killed or badly wounded. They butchered away for nearly 10 minutes. When it was over, only 2 of the cops were alive(and they were wounded, but with non-life threatening injuries) while not one of the Cupids were left alive.

As a number of other cops came in to investigate, they saw the spirits of the men dressed as Cupid ascend out of their bodies and, lifted up by angel's wings, disappeared into the sky. As they rose, the began to sing:

"Let Me Call You Sweet Heart!
La la la la la la!"

In all, 65 men and women died in that ten minute stretch; over 125 were injured(5 of them would die of their injuries several hours later). A lot of couples were left widowed and many children became orphans that day. And all because of a bunch of men sacrificing their professional integrity for the sake of celebrating Valentine's Day.

Anyway, when I heard that my ex-girlfriend had passed away that afternoon, I couldn't believe the news. She'd died after she stormed out of the flower shop where she worked after arguing with me over a delivery she had to make at the Frasier Building. The whole spat escalated when she threw the engagement ring I'd given her the night before into my face. And as she left, she told me, "We're through, Richard!" As she stormed out, she was hit by several bullets that were fired from someone who was driving by at the time(I learned later that it was her former boyfriend, who she broke up with several hours earlier).

Almost immediately, I had a nervous breakdown.

GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!

As I was listening to the radio on the T's Orange Line this morning, I heard a very disturbing jingle:

"Sears is where America used to shop
for the life we used to lead!
Sears is where America used to shop
for the things we used to need!"

And then a high-pitched announcer interrupted with a startling announcement:

"All Sears stores in the USA and Canada are going out of business! It's the biggest sale in our over 100 year history! Everything's on sale at 25 to 50%, with 80% off selected items and many specials! Quanitites are limited and all sales are final! Visit http://www.sears.com for more details. It's business as usual at all K-Mart stores! And yes, K-Mart will be open Christmas Day for your last minute shopping convenience."

Just great! I switched the station just as I got off at Community College and turned on to WODS-FM's Christmas marathon. Just as Mariah Carey's "O Holy Night" began playing, a loud sound started to shout:

"MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA! MBTA!"

For 5 minutes, the monotone was shouting the MBTA's name. I slipped off my earphones and pulled it out of the socket. By now, the voice yelling "MBTA" was shouting at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, I heard a beeping sound and the voice saying, "This radio will self destruct in 5 seconds!"

5 Seconds?! Luckily, there was a trashcan nearby, so I threw it in and skidaddled the other way. As I turned the corner onto a side street, the radio exploded, blowing the trashcan into smithereens.

I was shocked! Was that radio a bomb? I dared not think about what happened-or what might have. I continued into the office with a stunned look in my face.

"Good morning, Richard," the receptionist said. "What's wrong?"

"That radio I was listening to started yelling "MBTA, MBTA" over and over for 10 minutes. Then I heard an announcement saying that the radio would self destruct in five seconds."

"You're kidding!"

"I threw it into a trash can and took off. It blew up just as I turned the corner."

"I'm glad you weren't hurt."

I picked up a bunch of Wall Street Journals and started distributing them to the partners. But when I came into Charlie McDougall's office, he shouted, "You owe me $12,000!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That radio you threw into the trash can blew up my car!"

"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"

"Officer, read him his rights and get rid of him! I don't ever want to see him again!"

Behind me there was a cop who came over to me. But as he gave the Miranda speech, he arrested Charlie inatead.

"Not me, you dummy! Him!"

"He's the one you sold that bomb to, Mr. McDougall!"

As the cop dragged Charlie out the door, I almost collapsed. Charlie was trying to kill me or frame me for a crime.

"Okay, Mac! Get in the car!"

"You set me up, Richard! I'll fucking kill you!"

As the car sped away, I snarled, "Write me if you get work in jail, Charlie."

I went back in and said to the receptionist, "I can't believe it! Was Charlie trying to kill me or frame me for a crime?"

"I don't know, Richard."

I went into the men's room and cried for about an hour before I got control of myself. Now wouldn't that have been a shock?

Meanwhile, on another part of town, someone working for the Post Office heard the same thing and threw the radio out the window. But it was onto a speeding car that it landed, blowing up the car and the occupants inside of it. No great loss, though. It was a bunch of gangsters who'd just robbed the Bank of America branch in Government Center.

To be continued....

TIME OUT!

Here's a little time out in order to call attention to a very important cause!

TIME OUT FROM THE BLOG FOR A TV CLOSEDOWN!

Sorry, but the thing didn't work out!

ELVIS IN CONCERT!

"Tonight at 6!" the female announcer said in a exciting tone. "Live from London! New England TV presents 'Elvis In Concert!' A videotaped Elvis will appear on a 3D video screen at the Wembley Stadium while the London Symphony Orchestra and; many of his former band members will perform live! You'll also enjoy guest appearances by Toni Tennille, Bobby Rydell, Lisa Marie Presley, Tori Amos, Olivia Newton John, Terry Jacks and more! Join us for Elvis In Concert Live from London! Tonight at 6 and presented in 3D on New England TV!"
At the MBTA Control Center, the people weren't worried about the upcoming event. They were working on several delays in service. On the Red Line, a Silverbird train had jacknifed as it came into Charles Street station, leaving the track and crossing over the Commonwealth Bridge before crashing into the Charles River. Several people were dead and dozens were injured. The line had to be closed between Park Street and Kendall Stations, with bus service replacing the already snarled trains.
On the Green Line, 2 trolleys had crashed into each other at Park Street station; one of them had gone onto Outbound track 1 when it crashed into a trolley that was going the wrong way and had taken that track to get into the station instead of the Inbound track it was supposed to use. The drivers of both vehicles were dead and several passengers were hurt. One of the trolleys had fallen on its side, crushing a woman who was covering her baby to prevent it from being killed. The train gonig outbound was headed for Cleveland Circle while the train it crashed into was on its way to government center. The entire Green Line had to be shut down and buses were put in service.
On the Orange Line, 2 trains were racing each other on the tracks when the train on the Forest Hills bound track smashed into a stopped train between Chinatown and Downtown Crossing station. The force of the impact caused the trains to split into several parts and spill over to the opposite track. The train going the wrong way on the Oak Grove track barely escaped the wreckage, only to crash into a train entering the Chinatown station. When those trains collided, they smashed into the already 2 ruined trains. All of the drivers of the 4 trains and more than 70 passengers were dead. Over 800 people were injured, and a fire had started on the two trains on the Forest Hills bound line, threatening to blow up and kill everyone in the 2 stations. As the fire crews rushed to the scene, people were scrambling out of both stations and cauasing riots in the Downtown area. Buses were called into service between Forest Hills and State Street Station.
On the Blue Line, a train had exploded in the tunnel between Government Center and Aquarium stations. More than 400 people had been killed in the explosion. As the train came into Aquarium station, the waiting commuters were shocked to see the fires engulfing the passengers inside. Once more, the shuttle buses were set into action between Government Center and Airport Stations.
The supervisors on duty were frantic to get all their buses on the suspended lines, but a lot of them were still busy with their school runs.

To be continued....

IN THE MAILROOM!

As a few of the people in the mailroom at Peecham Investments were going through the huge amount of mail coming that cold early February day, the director of the Human Resources Department came in.
"The company has set the theme for Valentine's Day," she announced. "The men are coming dressed in Pampers with little red sashes over their shoulders. And the sashes will say 'Happy Valentine's Day From Peecham Investments.'"
"No way!"
"I won't wear 'em!"
"Forget about it!"
"Hey, don't you want to have the secretaries run after you?"
"No, I won't do it!"
"I was gonna come in dressed in my pink underwear."
"Forget about it!"
And with that, all the mailroom staff marched up to the chairman's office and confronted him.
"What's this about us dressing Pampers for Valentine's Day?"
"I didn't make the decree, friends," the chairman said. He then called for the H.R. director to come up to the office. And to the crowd he said, "The rest of you get back to work. And if anyone dresses up in that get-up on Valentine's Day, they'll be dismissed."

TO BE CONTINUED....
But first, hear this!

DAN CUPID: I SWEAR BY PAMPERS!  THE DIAPER OF MAN....
SFX: Trap door opening.
DAN CUPID: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!